Operation: Trick Or Treat?
by Into The Blue
Summary: Organization XIII all have their differences. However, they all share one thing in common... they're all terrified of Saix. Question is... what would it take to scare him?
1. The Bet

**A/N: This story is pure and utter crack. If it makes you smile, it's served its purpose XD**

**The Bet**

Like your average somebody, nobodies also experienced the state of mind that would send one into a borderline state of insanity.

The state of mind more commonly known as _boredom_.

Hence, the reason for the gathering of a small group of nobodies in the library of the castle that never was... and the strange discussion that currently occupied their attention.

"Saix isn't scared of anything. Got It Memorized? The guy bludgeons things to _death_ for _fun_. Saix is the one that gives the _boogeyman_ nightmares..." Axel scoffed, tossing his empty drinks bottle for the waste bin... accidentally missing and hitting Marluxia over the head with it with a 'tink'.

"Oops. Sorry Mar. Wouldn't wana get that stuff all over you, it'd be _just_ _**hell **_for your hair." Axel ran his hand through his feiry mane of red hair, tossing his head back in an imitation of the Graceful Assassin's hair flicking technique.

Luxord chuckled, shuffling his prized deck of cards in gloved hands as Marluxia abruptly snatched at the bottle, slamming it into Axel's own head.

He, along with Axel, Demyx and Marluxia had gotten into the discussion of fears since Halloween was looming. Larxene was also in the room, sprawled out on the full length of the leather couch; her interest occupied by a book of some sort. The others didn't question Larxene's choice of reading material. Mostly through fear of being disemboweled for 'poking their noses where they weren't wanted'.

The Savage Nymph would give the occasional sadistic snicker - obviously said reading material involved death, gore or both.

According to Xemnas, fear was an emotion. Emotions could not be felt by any nobody - even Demyx apparently.

To avoid prolonging the torture of already painfully long lectures spoken in the Superior's unbearable monotonal voice, the underlings decided it was better to let the man have his day and agree with him on the subject.

'Mother Superior' always gets the last word.

Fact was, they were _all_ scared of something.

That something happened to be the one sole thing they all had in common.

They were all _terrified _of Saix.

Oh yes sir.

Saix. Number VII. The Luna Diviner. The only nobody with the ability to go from stoic and calm to batshit crazy in 0.5 seconds.

Scientifically proven by Vexen of course.

Saix wasn't called a berserker for no reason. He also wasn't second in command for no reason either. Everyone behaved in his presence through fear of being ripped to shreds.

Anyone defying Saix's orders had a deathwish... no-one knew that more than Demyx.

Saix sadly had no taste for Demyx's music.

As such, the nocturne had been chased around the castle, locked in the cleaning closet, hit, kicked, swore at, claymore'd... and one time, after singing a particularly cheery version of _'Don't Worry Bout A Thing',_ Saix had taken punishment to a whole new extreme and hung Demyx off the top of Memory's Skyscraper by the hood of his jacket.

Larxene had snapped a rather embarrassing polaroid for a 'keepsake'... and for **gold** blackmail material.

'Twas why Demyx always offered to do Larxene's laundry.

"10,000 munny says that Saix does posess the ability to scream in fear."

Axel scoffed. "Luxord. Have you been drinking too much Tea?" The Gambler of Fate shook his head.

"Rum? Water from the roof?" Again, the head shaking.

Axel rubbed his chin in thought before a smirk played at the corners of his mouth. "You haven't been snorting any of Marluxia's magic plants have you?"

Luxord broke into a bout of laughter as the Graceful Assassin shot the pyro an offended look.

"I _**beg**_ your pardon?!"

Demyx chuckled. "Yeah. That Marluana stuff that makes you see things..." Demyx waved his hands around, going cross-eyes for emphasis, "Is it named after you Marlu?" he innocently questioned, scratching his head at the uncanny similarity of the plant and Marluxia's name.

Marluxia cringed, hissing at the nickname as Axel practically fell of the chair at the word 'Marluana'.

Demyx really was clueless.

"Firstly, Demyx, it's _Marijuana_. Second, do not **ever** let me catch you calling me that again, or I will familiarise you with the true meaning of the word _pain_. Do I make myself clear?"

Marluxia had an amazing ability to look _very_ intimidating. For a male with pink hair and flower powers, it was quite a feat.

Demyx recoiled, nodding furiously with eyes the size of saucers.

"Crystal."

"Good. Now, Luxord..." the man's ocean eyes flitted over to the Gambler of Fate "I just might take you up on that bet..."

Axel almost choked on his own tongue.

"What?!"

Demyx's jaw dropped, giving the Graceful Assassin the 'you can't be serious' look.

"You heard me. 10,000 munny is certainly worth my while... I'd think it would be worth yours Axel... even yours Demyx..."

"Thus proves my theory. Marluxia grows magic mushrooms in his garden." The pyro mused, slouching back into the soft leather armchair. "No-one with half a brain cell would even _attempt_ making Saix scream."

Demyx nodded in agreement. The nocturne valued his 'existence'. Apparently Marluxia and Luxord didn't.

"Well Axel..." Luxord mused, "If you're not _man_ enough..."

"Woah! Woah, woah, woah! I never said I wouldn't!" Axel almost jumped out of his seat in protest. "If I'm not man enough then I don't know what the _hell_ he is." A thumb was jabbed Marluxia's way. "I mean _damn_. He's about as manly as a pink fruitcake. Even _Demyx_ is more manly than him, and that's saying something..."

Demyx nodded, beaming, before the insult hit home.

"Hey!"

Marluxia on the other hand, ground his molars in sheer frustration. He would like nothing more than to see Axel spontaneously combust on the spot.

The assassin made a mental note to shove a few man eating plants below the pyro's bed before curfew. He didn't need an elemental advantage to kill Axel in his sleep.

"So you'll do it?" Luxord questioned, quirking his brows.

There was no hiding the deadly smirk that pulled at the corners of Marluxia's mouth.

Luxord's poker face didn't help either.

Axel's emerald pools flitted from Luxord to Marluxia... then to Demyx who was sitting behind them, furiously waving his arms and shaking his head while mouthing the words 'NO NO NO' over and over.

The pyro wracked his brain. His pride was on the line here. Then again, if he accepted... so was his life. Argh, what was the worst that could happen?

_"... That man would rip out your internal organs, wrap them around your neck and strangle you with them without giving it so much as a second thought... and then he'd dance on your grave..."_

The Flurry of Dancing Flames sighed when he felt warm breath on his neck.

"Shut up Demyx."

Demyx huffed, returning to his seat with a roll of his eyes. There was just no telling Axel.

_'And he calls __**me **__stupid...'_

"Alright Axel, we're willing to make you a deal. Since you're so obviously petrified of doing this alone... myself and Marluxia will versus you and Demyx. 5,000 munny each. Sound fair?"

Axel and Demyx exchanged blank looks, before simultaneously responding.

"Deal."

"WHAT?!"

The three men's attention flew to number IX, who was already backing up towards the door.

"No. Way."

Axel rushed up to the freaking out blonde, roughly gripping onto the younger man's shoulders.

"Demyx, c'mon man. You really think _flowerboy_'s gona scare Saix?"

"I heard that." Marluxia retorted, blue eyes flashing in warning.

Axel merely rolled his eyes, waving him off. "Demy. Think what you could do with 5,000 munny."

Demyx frowned. "I won't need 5,000 munny if I'm dead Axel. I'm not doing it."

Axel sighed in defeat. Demyx was stubborn and slightly, no, _very_ slow... but he definitely wasn't stupid.

The look Marluxia was giving him made him want to tear the assassin's head off... or shave off his hair.

No.

Tear off his head and _then_ shave off his hair. The sneak. He _couldn't_ back down now. He _wouldn't._

"Fine. Fine. Demyx, if you do this ... I'll take all your missions for the next month." Axel's eyes scrunched closed as he visibly cringed, mentally kicking his own ass for the bounty that he had just offered.

Such was the pride of a man.

Demyx really _would _be stupid to turn this one down...

Much to Axel's delight, it worked.

"Okay... I'll do it."

Axel smirked, slinging an arm around Demyx's shoulder. "Knew you'd see things my way."

"Excellent." began Luxord, arising from his own leather chair, "The deadline is Halloween. Rather befitting, wouldn't you say?"

Demyx groaned, slapping his forehead. _Why am I even thinking about doing this?_

"Halloween it is."

* * *

Meanwhile, on the other side of the castle in the Addled Impasse, Saix frowned as the tiny hairs on the back of his neck stood on end.

Golden eyes narrowed at the strange sensation. In his mind, he knew something wasn't right. What that something was, he didn't know. It was like the feeling one gets when they have forgotten something. It constantly nags at the back of your mind until you do something about it.

Quite frankly, it was a sensation Saix hadn't really experienced before. All he knew was, his mind was trying to warn him of something...

Shaking the thought off, the Luna Diviner turned his attention back to the moon, his eyes fluttering closed.

In his temporary state of relaxation, Saix slumped back into his couch, blissfully unaware of the future events that would dent his pride for the rest of his non-existent life...

* * *

_This has been on my mind for some time and it wouldn't leave me alone... so since it's almost Halloween I gave it a chance XD_

_Flames are welcomed with open arms. It's really cold in England at the moment..._

_Next Chapter: Is there anything in existence that would make the cold, emotionless Saix quiver with fear? Who will win the 10,000 munny? Luxord and Marluxia or Axel and the reluctant Demyx?_

* * *


	2. Dinner Time

**Dinner Time**

Unbeknownst to anyone outside The World That Never Was, nobodies also had schedules; a daily routine if you will.

They arose in the early hours of the morning, ate breakfast, perhaps 'indulged' in a meeting, participated in their appointed missions (if any), ate dinner... leaving them with around 3 hours before curfew - courtesy of Xemnas of course.

If one looked close enough, the organization was like one big, if not somewhat dysfunctional family.

Like every family, disputes among members were not uncommon, and it was the sheer rivalry between Axel and Marluxia that had the pyro's head in a complete muddle...

"Oh man oh man oh man... I can't believe you got me into this..." Demyx's head had gotten itself well aquainted with the palm of his hand while trying to ignore Axel's bony fingers tapping on the table in frustration.

"_You_ got you into this. You started the conversation. Your fault. Not mine. Got It Memorized?"

Demyx reponded with the trump card of all responses and stuck out his tongue - to which Axel responded with the finger.

Axel -1

Demyx - 0

The two were sat at the ridiculously large table in the dining room of The Castle That Never Was.

Despite the trouble it caused, strangely enough the nobodies all ate dinner together. Axel and Demyx having arrived a little earlier than the usual time, they got down to a little plotting.

So far they'd both agreed on one thing...

They were completely and utterly stumped for ideas.

"While we're sat here doing nothing _those_ two will be getting a head start..."

The pair's heads both shot up at the sound of a door opening... and snickering.

"Heh. Speak of the devil..."

Marluxia and Luxord both sauntered into the dining room, taking their seats beside Axel and Demyx.

It really was such a shame they had to sit in numerical order opposite each other - once again courtesy of Xemnas who got to sit at the head of the table in all his superior greatness.

_Jerk._

"Well, well well if it isn't Mother Nature and Father Time..." Axel mused, Demyx unable to hold back a snicker at his befitting choice of nicknames.

Marluxia didn't rise to the bait, opting instead to give Axel a taste of his own medicine, propping his elbows on the table and resting his head on laced fingers for effect.

"Looks like you two have made progress..."

Marluxia's downright beastly smirk was back again. Damned jerk acted as if he owned the place, prancing around and spreading his flowery assness around the whole damn castle.

_Jerk._

Axel merely returned said smirk "Yeah we have actually - Demyx! What the _hell_ are you doing?!"

The nocturne was sat beside Luxord, the pair enjoying a civilised conversation - something neither Axel nor Marluxia were gifted in.

"What?"

"You're associating with the enemy!"

Luxord snorted. "You're taking this a little too far Axel..."

Axel's fists hit the table with a thud.

"You're just buttering up waterboy so that he'll tell you everything! You think that I don't know that you know what I know! But I do know Luxord. I _know..._"

Marluxia looked to Luxord, Luxord looked to Demyx... who then looked to Axel.

"_What_?!"

"Augh! Just forget it!"

Marluxia chuckled. "Demyx, Axel's just worried about losing 5,000 munny that he probably hasn't got anyway..." the assassin's blue eyes fixed on the sulking pyro. "He's _obviously_ afraid of becoming a loser..."

Axel snorted. "Says the one with pink hair and flower powers..."

Luxord and Demyx, glad they were sat on the opposing side of the table, watched with widened eyes at the two males' heated argument.

"Shouldn't we do something?"

Demyx chanced a quick glance at Axel and Marluxia, raising his head from the table.

The pair were practically nose to nose, curse words being let fly on both parts. Weighing up the odds, Demyx came to a quick decision:

"Nope."

A thump as the younger blonde's head got itself re-aquainted with the table top.

The arguing continued even as more nobodies filtered into the room.

The vast majority had gotten to used to Axel and Marluxia's pointless squabbling, choosing to indulge in their own conversations to drown out the noise.

Poor Roxas sat with his head in his hands, willing the arguing to stop.

Marluxia was one who liked to talk with his hands.

As such, arguing took it to a whole knew level. Roxas knew first hand - he had the bruises from numerous elbows to the side to prove it.

Having to sit next to the assassin was a curse sometimes; blame Xemnas and his numerical order seating plan.

Larxene cackled, nudging Luxord in the side as she watched numbers VIII and XI in amusement. "You'd think they were an old married couple..."

The two men immediately ceased in their arguing, shooting poisonous glares at the Savage Nymph.

"You fu- mmph!"

Axel was about to retort - a good retort at that, before a hand was swiftly slapped against his mouth.

He only had to look at the door to see why.

_Saix._

To make matters worse. He was _frowning_.

The room went so quiet one could've easily heard a pin drop. It always did when Saix appeared in the room.

Especially if it looked like he _just_ might be in a bad mood.

Deciding now just wasn't his time to go, Axel quickly swallowed the insult as Marluxia's glove left the man's mouth.

Larxene tittered behind her hand. "Aww look Axel, he really does care about you. Isn't that _cute_?"

Axel flew the nymph the flag in retort, Marluxia flicking his saliva-smothered hand in mild disgust.

"You didn't have to drool all over it Axel..."

Larxene cackled even louder this time, said cackling promptly ceasing as Saix took his seat beside the pyro. Hell, even Larxene knew when to quit when Saix was around.

Being an evil organization, cooking and serving dinner was WAY below the nobodies. As were any other household chores.

Xemnas would not be caught dead with a vaccum cleaner, nor would you catch Saix with a feather duster in place of his claymore.

It ruined one's image. It wasn't the evil look. It simply wasn't _done_.

Thus, the _true_ purpose of Dusks- 'Housewives' of the Organization.

Why Marluxia and Luxord looked so smug as the meals were being handed out, neither Axel nor Demyx could determine. Marluxia always looked smug anyway, but still... something was off.

In addition to having their meals cooked and served to them by the poor Dusks, the nobodies also had extremely expensive sets of cutlery and silverware; obtained by Xigbar during what turned out to be a very fruitful mission to Beast's Castle.

The Freeshooter had once brought back a talking candle as a centerpiece for the dining table, but Xemnas had abruptly sent him back with it... keeping the silverware.

According to Axel, the candle had said Xemnas liked the sound of his own voice too much... and he could talk the hind legs off a donkey.

_'Truth hurts Xemnas.'_

None of the nobodies knew what their meals were, due to the lids covering their sterling silver plates to keep the food warm.

Axel smirked at Demyx across the table, who was trying to sneak a look at his plate before a Dusk reprimanded him, tapping the nocturne on the back and shaking its head.

Strange, one might think, to be reprimanded for something so simple.

Thing was, none of them were allowed to start eating until Xemnas did - another reason why Axel hated Xemnas.

The Superior would usually talk for what seemed like hours before tucking in to his meal. It was cruelty at its finest.

Sometimes the feeling of hunger would become too much and Axel would try and sneak something, _anything_ from his plate to satisfy his growling stomach. Unfortunately, with Saix at your side... Saix with the animalistic uber-sensitive senses, that was no easy task.

Hence why Axel hated the seating order and Xemnas even _more_.

Luckily, Xemnas didn't have too much to say today. Just the usual. Axel could _predict_ what Xemnas was going to say. First... it would be Kingdom Hearts. It always was. Like a family would say grace... Xemnas would practically have them saying grace to Kingdom Hearts.

No kidding.

Then, the conversation would flit to Sora for a while... then to Roxas... who got just as peeved as Axel did. One time the poor kid fell asleep when Xemnas addressed him, Larxene waking him up with a short, sharp shock to the side.

As a result, Roxas got the maximum punishment of all punishments... another lecture from Xemnas about disrespect.

Marluxia's eyes were fixed upon Saix's plate... as were Luxord's actually.

Axel frowned.

_'What are you... oh hell no.'_

It was then Axel realised.

_'HE TAMPERED WITH SAIX'S FOOD?!'_

Emerald eyes flashed a look at the assassin, Marluxia confirming the pyro's thoughts with a smirk and a nod of the head towards number VII's plate.

_'WHY DIDN'T I THINK OF THAT?!'_

Axel refrained from slapping his forehead, eyes now eagerly awaiting the removal of the lid shielding Saix's meal from view.

Xemnas' droning voice drowning out in the background, the others began eating with the nod of approval from the Superior.

There was an abrupt clinking of silver lids, Dusks carrying the offending silverware away into the Kitchen That Never Was.

Marluxia was leaning over so far towards Axel to get a good view of Saix's plate, it looked as if the assassin was severely drunk, or as Demyx stated: 'on his magic Marluana plants'.

The staring eyes didn't go unnoticed by Saix, who quirked a brow at the leaning nobodies... Marluxia damn near falling off his chair with anticipation.

Since Axel was the closest, Axel was the one to be confronted.

"_Not hungry Axel_?"

Axel gulped.

It finally hit home that he'd been staring perhaps a little too much.

Taking the hint, the pyro swiftly removed the lid from his plate, keeping his eyes on Saix's plate, discreetly of course, while he tucked into his roast potatoes.

Marluxia remained where he was. Axel was a suitable shield from Saix, and the assassin was not afraid to use him.

Saix finally removed the lid... revealing a perfectly normal, delicious looking roast.

"..."

_**Now**_ Marluxia fell off his chair, Luxord giving him an unsure glance as the Diviner's plate was completely void of any impurities.

Axel chuckled while Larxene's own full-blown hollering echoed throughout the room.

"Not looking too graceful down there dear!"

The Graceful Assassin quickly arose, clearing his throat and seating himself in a proper manner to salvage whatever dignity he had left.

"Is everything alright XI?" Xemnas questioned from the head of the table, silver brows raised at the somewhat flustered Marluxia.

"Just fine." The man retorted, flashing his superior an unconvincing grin before looking over to Luxord.

"Luxord -" he hissed through gritted teeth, "What happened to the -"

**"SPIDER!!"**

Marluxia got his answer as a shriek from Xemnas' end of the table... from none other than the Whirlwind Lancer.

Xaldin leaped up from his chair, pointing at the offending Tarantula that was currently crawling around his dinner. Vexen also shrieked, knocking over his wine...which went all over Zexion.

If Zexion was ever caught looking emo... this was it. The look was only enhanced by the wine dripping from periwinkle locks.

_'I hate my life...'_

Xigbar, on the other hand, couldn't believe his luck. An opportunity like this barely ever came around!

"Don't worry dudes! I got it!"

Summoning his trusty guns, the Freeshooter leaped up to stand atop of his chair, taking aim at the spider.

Marluxia's head hit the table with a thud.

_'Curses... foiled again...'_

Larxene, meanwhile, was having the time of her _life_.

The Savage Nymph was literally crying with laughter, fists thumping at the table as she struggled to breathe. The woman was hysterical. Living with a bunch of losers was a pain in the ass for sure, but _damn_ it was worth it all for moments like this.

Larxene's cackling only got louder as Xigbar ran down the table after the escaping spider, food items flying here, there and everywhere.

"Dammit! Dudes... I lost it!"

Axel tried.

Oh how he tried to resist.

The temptation was just too great...

_What the hell... you only live once..._

"Xig!" The pyro yelled,"It's on Xemnas' head!"

"Gotcha Red!"

Axel smirked.

_Payback time Xemmy..._

"Xemnas! Don't move! I got this covered!"

Xemnas' amber eyes widened to the size of small UFOs as Xigbar turned on his heel and took aim at the top of his head.

The Superior barely managed to duck as a bullet skimmed his hair tuft, smashing the window behind him with a giant _'clash'_.

In all the commotion, Luxord, Roxas, Lexaeus and Demyx seemed to be the only ones aware of Saix's lower eyelids twitching in annoyance... the latter diving under the table to the safe zone as the berserker opened his now _glowing_ golden eyes.

Hissing, Saix knocked back his chair, alerting the others to his berserk state.

With an outraged roar, he summoned his claymore - at which point, all noise died out.

Xigbar froze, Larxene's laughing muted to stifling giggles behind her hands, Marluxia raised his head at the silence... with Demyx and Xemnas' heads poking up from beneath the table; a rather embarrasing wisp of smoke rising from atop Xemnas' silver upper tuft of hair thanks to Xigbar's fine shooting.

Spotting the spider immediately, which was on Axel's plate at that moment, Saix took aim.

Axel clenched his eyes shut, praying to whatever diety was out there that they were watching over him right now. He was going to die because of a stupid bet with Marluxia and Luxord.

He was going to die and it was Marluxia's fault.

He was going to be killed by Saix... and it was all going to be Marluxia's fault.

He was going to die because of that freak of a nobody _Marluxia_.

_Jerk._

However, a blow never came.

Axel allowed his eyes to open a crack, to find Saix swinging his claymore like a professional golfer, knocking both Axel's plate and the spider out of the smashed window, well past Kingdom Hearts... probably into a world that hadn't been discovered yet.

Everyone's jaws dropped.

"Holy -!"

Saix merely flicked back his hair with a sniff, dismissing his claymore and jumping down from the table, where he turned to face the other nobodies.

"_Excuse me. I seem to have lost my appetite..._"

With a curt nod, Saix strode out of the doors to the dining room as if nothing happened.

"..."

The eerie silence remained between the gobsmacked nobodies, the only sound being the SPLAT of a blob of mashed potato that fell from the ceiling onto the floor.

Marluxia glanced to Luxord, trying to avoid the numerous glares that were being sent his way.

"Luxord..."

"Yes Marluxia?"

Marluxia rubbed the back of his head sheepishly "I don't think Saix is afraid of spiders..."

The assassin yelped as Axel abruptly shoved a fist full of his own mashed potato into his prized pink locks.

* * *

_Oh Marluxia you poor dear :3_

_This was originally going to be a two-shot story... but I got a little carried away XD_

_Next Chapter: What will Axel and Demyx have in store for Saix?_


	3. Axel's Plan

**Axel's Plan**

After the whole dinner fiasco... the dining room was left practically beyond repair.

In fact, it looked as if a small atomic bomb had dropped, or as Vexen poetically put it: _'A spitting image of Axel's room.'_

Of course, Axel was thoroughly offended.

_Just __**when**__ had Vexen been in his room?_

He would never sleep again.

As a result of the catastrophic events of what was supposed to be a leisurely evening meal, the nobodies from the lower-ranked end of the table received a beautifully pre-rehearsed lecture from Xemnas.

Axel heard it every day.

Much to the amusement of Roxas, the pyro imitated Xemnas' facial expressions perfectly, miming the Superior's speech word for word.

Good thing Xemnas forgets to open his eyes when he gets into a really heart-felt conversation huh?

Pun not intended.

Of course, Saix got off scot-free.

He always _did. _

_Jerk._

As if the half hour lecture wasn't bad enough... things only got worse.

The neophytes were introduced to the most reputation damaging tools known to man, woman, animal, vegetable and mineral.

The _mop_ and _bucket_.

Marluxia swore he had never seen so many glares in his _life_.

Imagine the world's most evil villain with a mop and bucket. Not even Demyx's bunny slippers would run for cover.

Worse still, Dusks were strictly forbidden to help the punished nobodies in any way, shape or form - not like the poor things would anyway. The majority were still lying in the kitchen beneath the lids that formerly covered the nobodies' dinner plates, too traumatised to move.

Hence forth, all the reputations that the neophytes had worked so hard to build shot down the drain in less that 5 seconds flat.

... and Marluxia was in the doghouse.

"A spider?! You thought _Saix_ would be scared of a _Spider_?!"

Marluxia was sulking. _Really_ sulking. As if his day hadn't already been bad enough!

The newly dubbed '**Un**graceful Assassin' slouched upon the couch in the library, arms crossed and a facial expression that would turn chocolate mousse sour as Axel reaped the rewards of his undignified failure... by rubbing said failure in his face.

"It was a perfectly valid suggestion. I'd like to see you do any better..." Marluxia snapped, looking at Axel as though he were something from the bottom of his boot.

Axel halted in his enraged pacing.

The room was silent for a while, save for the 'plip plop' of the rain on the roof of the castle. Axel's hand stroked his chin in thought, before glancing over towards Demyx and Luxord playing cards at the table.

The pyro clicked his fingers, creating a small ember as an idea hit him.

"Actually Marluxia... I think I can..."

Demyx did NOT like the look Axel was giving him.

Not one little bit.

* * *

"You want me to do **WHAT**?!"

Apparently, Axel had a plan so cunning one could stick a tail on it and call it a weasel.

Xemnas, being rather stingy with munny, hadn't granted the nobodies with their own showers in their en-suite bathrooms.

Instead, The Castle That Never Was had one shower room, consisting of thirteen individual cubicles - complete with roman numerals on the doors.

Xemnas may be stingy with munny, but a bit of class wasn't beyond the Superior by all means.

Axel didn't particularly have a problem with it. The place was _heaven_ for pranks.

Once upon a time, Axel recalled stealing Vexen's pants while he showered (he knew it was Vexen. Only Vexen attempts singing Opera in the shower) before flying them on a flagpole atop Memory's Skyscraper with a heroic salute.

Ahh yes. Those were the days. The look on the Chilly Academic's face was priceless. Got It Memorized?

Thank Kingdom Hearts for Larxene's Polaroid camera.

The pyro grinned, slinging a lazy arm around Demyx's shoulder.

"Demyx, Demyx, _Demyx_. _Everyone_ screams when the water runs cold in the shower. It's like... an instinct."

Demyx sighed, fidgeting with his hands.

"I don't know... what if Saix catches me? He's going to know it was me."

Axel scoffed. "Already got it planned." He tapped his head with his index finger, "Think about it. Would Saix really chase after you right away? I don't think he'll be running around the whole castle in his birthday suit. By the time moonshine's donned his undercrackers, you'll have hauled your little ass right outta there..."

_'He doesn't need to know what'll happen when Saix __**eventually**__ gets outta there...'_

Demyx frowned in thought. It didn't sound _too_ bad.

Axel smirked.

Demyx was frowning... meaning he was thinking about it. The little cogs in his brain were turning... which often meant co-operation was just around the corner.

After a couple of minutes' silence and fiddling with his coat cords, Demyx nodded.

"Alright, I'll do it..."

_Bingo._

"Good man!" Axel beamed with a ruffle of Demyx's mullet, "Saix always has a shower around seven right? It's why everyone else stays outta there." Demyx nodded. "Okay... here's what we're gona do..."

* * *

Marluxia was still brooding in the library.

Xemnas had got him to do the cleaning which was _below_ him. His plan had failed. Axel had rubbed it in his face. Xemnas had made him do the cleaning. He had gotten a fist full of mashed potato in the hair that he prided himself upon... and Xemnas had made him do the cleaning.

_Xemnas would pay..._

Marluxia's hand balled into a fist at the thought of the Superior.

_Xemnas __**will**__ pay..._

The assassin's head flitted to the doorway as a smiling Luxord strode in, two steaming mugs of tea in his hands.

"Still brooding?" he chuckled, handing Marluxia one of the mugs.

"I do not _brood_ Luxord." He replied sharply, before sipping the hot beverage and licking his lips, "I plan."

Luxord's brows raised slightly. "Oh? Has your _planning_ been successful? I should hope so. You've been sat there for almost an hour mate."

Marluxia remained silent for a moment, calmly sipping his tea before looking out the window towards the glowing Kingdom Hearts.

A devious smirk pulled at the corners of XI's mouth as his attention returned to Luxord.

"I think I can safely say it has."

Luxord scoffed, drinking his tea to aid the swallowing of the cocky retort that was desperate to make itself heard.

_'Let's hope it's better than the last one...'_

* * *

Axel and Demyx met as planned outside the shower room that never was at 7 p.m on the dot.

Leaving Demyx stood at the other side of the hall, Axel sneaked his way towards the door, teeth grinding together as his boots squeaked against the marble of the floor.

Much to Axel's dismay, he could already hear the shower water running.

"Shit! He's early!" he cursed under his breath, squeaking his way back over to Demyx - who was already preparing himself for a quick getaway.

"He's in there already!"

Axel rubbed his hands together deviously, smirking as shining emerald eyes remained fixed upon the door. Number VIII was practically jumping up and down on the spot like a crazed child as Demyx summoned his Sitar.

"Okay man. You know what to do. Let. Him. HAVE. IT!" Axel whispered almost too loudly, punching his fist in the air.

* * *

Xemnas sighed as the pleasantly warm water cascaded down his mocha skin, eyes flittering closed in pure relaxation as a shuddered sigh escaped his lips.

He wasn't one for taking a shower so late in the day, but after the ridiculous events that took place during dinner... he thought he deserved to indulge in one of the very few comforts in his life. Not to mention something _had_ to be done to that downright _ghastly_ singed hair tuft atop of his head. Such an embarassment could ruin his image. Damned inferiors acted like children sometimes. Such dispicable behaviour. If they chose to act like children, they would be punished as such.

A smirk pulled at the Superior's mouth at the thought of the neophytes cleaning up that dastardly bombsite in the lower castle.

Nothing like a painful pride kicking to put your underlings in their place.

Xemnas recalled upon an occasion where he had been accused of taking advantage of his inferiors.

_Guilty as charged._

Being superior was a lot of work, and didn't he know it... but it wasn't without its advantages...

* * *

Axel's gloved fingers were on his lips now, teeth biting the tips of his fingers as he shook with excitement.

This would be the first day of the rest of his life...

The day he would hear Saix scream like a schoolgirl AND get his hands on 5,000 of Marluxia's munny - Bonus.

Demyx, on the other hand, had a job to do.

He closed his eyes in concentration, tongue poking out of the corner of his mouth as nimble fingers strummed on the strings of his prized Sitar.

_"Dance Water Dance!"_

* * *

Purely by coincidence and coincidence only... Xemnas had just turned up the heat in the shower.

The Superior liked his shower _steaming_ hot. It was why many of the other nobodies couldn't shower until later on in the morning - Xemnas would use all the hot water.

He was the _Superior_. He was _allowed_ to use up all the hot water.

Anyone that questioned him or used up all the hot water _before_ him _would_ be obliterated.

A frown etched itself upon the Superior's brow as the water seemed to be taking an extremely long time to heat up.

In fact, it seemed to be getting...

_'What the - ?'_

* * *

Axel counted down in his head, holding his hand to his ear in preparation for that beautiful scream.

_3..._

_2.._

_1._

**"ARGHHHHH!!"**

Axel's jaw dropped, while Demyx's face turned to a deathly shade of white.

"..."

That scream was too deep... to sultry...

Too **_Xemnas_**.

_'...Wait.'_

Demyx and Axel exchanged fear factor glances as a door slammed inside the shower room, along with hissing, cursing ... and a pair of red aerial blades protruding through the door.

"RUN!" Demyx cried, "RUN AWAY!"

Axel didn't need to be told thrice; he and Demyx made like a banana and split faster than one could say sugar honey iced tea.

Axel's quick thinking served him well, the pyro diving behind a corner at the end of the hallway as the shower room door swung open with a blast of steam... impaling itself into the floorless white marble of the opposing castle wall.

Whether said steam came from the hot water or the raging Xemnas Axel didn't know.

What he _did_ know, was that the sight that met his gleaming emerald eyes was the funniest thing he had _ever_ seen.

A bar of soap was flung out of the door, smashing the window on the opposite side of the hallway. In turn, the poor blissfully unaware Heartless that was sat upon the window pane was knocked off its perch, barrel rolling off the roof and down into the black depths of oblivion below.

Xemnas emerged from the shower room seconds later, skidding to a halt as he screamed blue murder at the blonde that was currently legging it for all it was worth down the hallway.

Oh how Axel hollered in the safety of his hiding place.

There stood Xemnas, The Superior of Organization XIII, in all his _superiority_... with only a towel wrapped around his waist to preserve his dignity.

He needn't have bothered.

Said dignity shot out the window the minute he started shaking the backscrubber in his hand at the fleeing Demyx like it was going out of fashion.

Better still, in his haste to catch the offending neophyte... he had forgotten to wash all the poofy white shampoo lather from his silver tresses.

The icing on the cake.

Axel wiped away a tear at the sight.

Oh he'd have this 'Memorized' for the rest of his non-existent life.

Axel knew Xemnas' anger levels like the crimson spikes on his head - primarily due to being the cause of said anger outbursts 99.9% of the time.

There was miffed, angry, mad, furious... he hadn't made a category for this one yet.

Axel glanced around the corner to Xemnas, examining the evidence.

_Enraged flailing of the arms, screeching, cursing, death threats, damage to surroundings..._

He was pretty sure this one had to be a bitch fit.

**"DEMYX!!!"**

Yup. Definitely bitch fit.

The castle practically shook at Xemnas' voice, frightened Heartless diving off the walls like a group of frantic, suicidal lemmings.

No-one in the other worlds noticed, but hundreds of flocks of birds scattered from their roosts at precisely the same time.

Inhabitants put it down to the weather before going about their daily business, completely oblivious to the wrath of the enigmatic man that was currently going apeshit in The World That Never Was.

* * *

In the Addled Impasse, Saix lay sprawled out on his couch with a book in his lap. He licked his finger, about to turn a page when he heard Xemnas' booming voice screeching the Melodious Nocturne's name.

**"DEMYX! You little pest -!"**

The berserker merely shook his head and flicked over the page.

He wasn't getting involved.

The Superior was going about it all _wrong _anyway.

He should just kill them and be done with it.

Why go to all the trouble of punishing them time and time again when you could get rid of the little blighters altogether _and_ release your anger at the same time?

Saix smirked at the thought.

Never having to listen to Demyx's appaling music, Xigbar's 'As If's, or the worst by far, Axel's 'Got It Memorized's ever again. Pure bliss.

The berserker sometimes wondered if the Superior's head was up there in the clouds with Kingdom Hearts.

Allowing such improper behaviour without even punishing them _properly_. If Saix had his way, he would shake them to the core. He would traumatise them so much, that they would be too afraid to sleep at night.

Xemnas didn't seem to realise how hard it was for Saix. When he had to spar with these people _every single day_, coming so close to _accidentally _smashing their heads in with the business end of his claymore and having to hold himself back with every ounce of his being to spare their lives.

It was _torture._

Alas, Saix was not Superior. He wanted his heart - the sole reason he stuck with these fools. Xemnas was the only one who knew how to retrieve their hearts, and as such, Saix would have to stick around for a while longer.

_'Shame...'_

* * *

Completely oblivious to the goings on in the rest of the castle, Roxas was on his way to his room. The single place in The World That Never Was where he was safe from the insanity of the other members.

The poor boy practically jumped out of his skin as he rounded a corner, a frantic Demyx almost bowling him over.

"What the - Demyx?!"

"CAN'TTALKXEMNASMAD!"

The Key of Destiny sighed. He was just about ready for leaving this place...

... he was **not **ready for the sight that met his eyes half way down the hall.

Xemnas.

An enraged Xemnas.

An enraged Xemnas... with only a towel wrapped around his waist that had travelled _dangerously_ low in his anger fit.

"..."

Roxas stopped dead in his tracks, jaw dropping to the floor.

A swift hand slapped itself over his ocean blue eyes - he swore they were _burning_.

The boy abruptly turned on his heel, storming off in the opposite direction as fast as was humanly possible without breaking into a sprint.

_'I did NOT see that. I did __**NOT**__ see that...'_

Back in the library, Marluxia had already gotten started on plan B.

Much to Zexion's annoyance, it involved_ him_.

"And just why should I help you Marluxia?" Zexion questioned dryly, uninterested in what the assassin had to say, but curious nonetheless.

That one caught Marluxia off guard. Truth was, there was no reason. It was as non-existant as Vexen's sense of humour.

Marluxia rarely compromised, or did anything for anyone else shouldn't it be in his best interests. If he wasn't getting anything out of it, it wasn't worth it; anyone with common sense knew that.

... obviously no-one in The Castle That Never Was.

The others didn't have half a brain cell to split between them. Living with such prime exaples of stupidity was wretched. Being _led_ by _the_ prime example of stupidity was even worse.

Marluxia's mind often strayed to that magical land of what might have been, what _could_ be if _he_ were superior.

Unlike Xemnas' throne of lies, Marluxia would sit upon an _extravogant _throne worthy of a king.

Complete with cushions.

Marluxia didn't care what anyone said. Those chairs in the meeting room of Where Nothing Gathers were _hell _for one's rear end. The fact that Xemnas droned on for longer than necessary only made matters even _worse_.

Just how Xemnas expected them to fight and work damn miracles with pain searing up their backside was anyone's guess.

While on the subject of those dismal chairs, Marluxia would also have them lowered from their ridiculous height somewhat. That way, he could have Xemnas shine his boots while kneeling on the floor. Perfection at its finest.

Meanwhile, Luxord's aqua eyes had clapped onto the apparently zoned-out Marluxia.

The Graceful Assassin would sometimes sit there with a facial expression that looked like he was plotting someone's death... or a rebellion. The Gambler of Fate couldn't put his finger on which. Fact was, he always looked like he was up to something...

**BAM**

Marluxia awoke from his daydreaming stupor as a heartless hit the library window, slowly sliding down towards the floor with a screeching noise that would strongly resemble nails scraping down a chalkboard.

Even Zexion glanced up from his current read at the sound.

Luxord chuckled, glancing out the window.

"It's raining Heartless?"

Marluxia and Zexion didn't have time to respond. Xigbar practically rammed the door down, guns at the ready - their master aiming at all areas of the room.

"Dude! I just heard a -!"

Marluxia jabbed a thumb in the direction of the twitching Heartless outside the window.

Xigbar frowned, before disappearing and re-appearing outside the window, seemingly unfazed by the torrential rain.

Scratching his chin, the freeshooter poked the Heartless in the head with one of his guns a couple of times, before giving the trio the OK sign with his hands.

"It's not the spider dudes! We're **all clear**!"

Luxord couldn't hold back a laugh at Marluxia's unamused expression. The assassin himself fought the urge to slap his own forehead. He did _not _need to be reminded of that God forsaken spider incident.

No... he had Axel for that.

"Oh how wonderful Xigbar. I'll sleep so much more _comfortably_ in that knowledge..." Marluxia responded with a roll of the eyes and a tone that dripped with sarchasm.

With an honourable salute, the Freeshooter zipped off like an unsung superhero.

Marluxia shook his head at Xigbar's immaturity before turning his attention back to the stubborn Zexion.

He had a devious plan.

"So Zexion... I've been thinking..."

Zexion snorted in mock amusement. "_You_? _Thinking_? Heaven forbid."

Marluxia bit his tonge to hold back a sharp retort. He did not like this whole business of compromise.

"I happen to have a proposition for you... What would you say if I were to put the basement floors of Castle Oblivion in your charge for the duration of our stay?"

Zexion shot Marluxia a skeptical look. "Authority is not given to you to make such decisions Marluxia."

Marluxia smirked. "On the contrary..." he began, circling the Schemer's chair like a hawk would its prey, "Xemnas has put me in charge of Castle Oblivion. I can assign positions to anyone of my choosing..."

Zexion couldn't deny he was highly interested. As much as he despised the smug Graceful Assassin, the possibility of being able to put the bossy Vexen in his place without being outranked was too good to pass up.

Marluxia paused in his circling, bending down so that he was eye to eye with Zexion. "Tick. Tock."

The schemer sighed in defeat. _He_ could pull rank on _Marluxia_ anyway if things didn't go according to plan.

"What is it that you require of me Marluxia?"

* * *

_Thankyou all for the reviews! They're much appreciated! :3_

_Next Chapter: What will happen to Demyx once Xemnas catches him? What does Marluxia have planned? Will anyone ever get Saix to scream?_

* * *


	4. Plan B

**A/N: Hey guys!**

**I apologise for the lack of updates! I've been really busy with work and life in general at the minute. **

**I was originally aiming to get this finished by Halloween, but I've been so busy I just didn't have the time. I thought about ditching it after I missed my deadline... but hated the thought of leaving it half finished.**

**I'd like to thank every single one of you for reviews and adding this story to your alerts/favourites. It really does mean a lot and gives me the inspiration to keep this going, so thankyou all so much! :3**

* * *

**Plan B**

Unlike Zexion, who spent the vast majority of his spare time in the library, Vexen spent much of his cherished spare time in the labs: his own safe haven from the damn neophytes and their childish behaviour.

What Xemnas saw in them he didn't know.

As such, visits from other members were of an extreme rarity... save for one.

A timid knock on the door caused Vexen to jump somewhat, but he was able to regain his composure before opening the door to reveal a rather flustered looking Demyx, yanking what appeared to be a soaking wet towel from around his head.

He wasn't sure, but he swore he could hear number IX cursing, saying something about "stupid Xemnas" and "ruining his hair".

What Vexen _did_ know, was that Xemnas didn't ruin the younger man's hair. Oh no... someone else had beaten him to it.

Demyx himself.

"Demyx?" Vexen sighed, rubbing his temple.

Demyx always got sent to Vexen after he had gotten himself into some sort of trouble, which was usually rooted to Axel, who was the definition of the word.

Apparently, the scientist was one of the members that would make a suitable roll model for the younger man.

Vexen made a mental note to remind Xemnas that he _wasn't_ a babysitter.

"What is it _this_ time?" Vexen questioned with a rather exasperated sigh. He was tiring of these unneeded interruptions.

Demyx suddenly seemed to find the floor very interesting, shuffling his feet with both hands behind his back. Vexen quirked a brow at the obvious sympathy cry. Had he a heart, he dared to believe that he would've found the sight adorable. Demyx had the uncanny ability to pull off a 'kicked puppy' look. His eyes seemed to double in size, lip poking out to form a small pout.

All he needed was a violin playing sorrow-filled music in the background and he'd be all set. Although, in all fairness, his sitar was close enough.

Alas, Vexen was a cold, heartless scientist, completely immune to the adorable pouting of the Melodious Nocturne.

Demyx inhaled deeply - a sign that this was going to be a _long_ story.

Vexen huffed.

_'Best make myself comfortable...'_

"Well -"

* * *

Purely by his experience in the art of persuasion, Marluxia had managed to coax Zexion out of the library (Marluxia's height + the confiscation of Zexion's Lexicon + an angry, _short_ Zexion = Successful coaxing. Pure genius on Marluxia's part of course) and into the Addled Impasse, where Saix still lay flat out on the couch.

_The lazy sod._

Zexion rubbed his arms a little at the cold. He didn't seem to remember it being _this_ cold. Then again, he was in the same room as Saix. The temperature always seemed to drop below freezing when the Luna Diviner was in the vicinity.

A hand on his shoulder practically made Zexion jump out of his skin.

"Okay Zexion. I need you to change the colour of Kingdom Hearts."

The Cloaked Schemer's eyes widened somewhat, his brows furrowing in confusion.

"_What?"_

Marluxia sighed, rolling his eyes. "You heard me." he gave the schemer a light shove towards the edge of the balcony, ushering him away with a 'shoo' motioning of the hands as though Zexion were some sort of animal. "Change its colour."

Zexion shot a skeptical glance towards Luxord who shrugged in response.

Marluxia had finally lost it it seemed.

"You want me to change the _colour_ of Kingdom Hearts?"

Marluxia nodded. "Everyone knows Saix loves the moon with all his non-existent heart, maybe more than killing innocent children. If anything happens to it he's bound to tear his hair out..."

Zexion really didn't understand the whole point of this silly little bet VIII, IX, X and XI had going. It was utterly ridiculous, not to mention a waste of valuable time. However, he had made a bargain with Marluxia that would be very worth his while, and he never went back on his word.

The Cloaked Schemer glanced up at the moon, then to Saix.

Considering they were stood on the balcony of the Addled Impasse, they were quite safe. If push came to shove, he could always push Marluxia off the balcony accidentally on purpose to get mauled by berserk Saix. If his calculations were correct (which they _always_ were), that would grant him with enough time to escape before Saix got the chance to catch a glimpse of him with his animalistic radar vision.

Clicking his fingers into joint like an experienced pianist, Zexion concentrated.

"What colour?"

Marluxia frowned, stroking his chin as he thought. "Oh I don't know... " he began in a tone that said otherwise, "...try pink"

_Didn't see that one coming..._

Zexion prevented himself from rolling his eyes at Marluxia's predictable colour choice as he created the illusion, the moon steadily turning bright pink before their eyes.

Marluxia's oceanic eyes sparkled in sheer delight, hands clapping together as he eagerly awaited Saix's reaction.

Unfortunately, said delight wasn't going to last long...

"_Pink_?! Ha! Why don't you encircle it in a floral array and skip around it while you're at it Marluxia?!" spat Luxord in disgust, "Make it blue! A _man's _colour."

On command, Zexion changed the moon's colour to blue.

Marluxia forced a smile upon his features. "Zexion." He stammered through gritted teeth, "Make it pink."

Again, the moon turned pink.

"No Zexion! _I can pay you more_! Make it blue!" Luxord retorted, shooting a smirk at Marluxia.

Marluxia ground his molars in frustration. "Zexion! Make. It. _Pink_!"

"_Blue_!"

* * *

Xemnas flung himself back into the soft leather chair in the safety of his office with a sigh.

After having punished Demyx accordingly for ruining his delightful shower (with a week's lab rattery), the Superior needed some time alone in the confines of his own office.

The man rubbed his temples slightly, before picking up his mug of coffee. He knew exactly what would make him feel better...

Swinging around in his chair with a smirk, Xemnas glanced up at the sky like a proud father at his beautiful Kingdom Hearts.

... which wasn't looking so beautiful at the moment.

Xemnas' jaw dropped so far, that were there trains in The World That Never Was, one would've easily mistaken the gaping hole for a subway.

Kingdom Hearts was changing colour like some sort of _hideous_ disco ball. It was like something Disney forgot to draw. It was the stuff of Xemnas' _nightmares_.

Surely he was seeing things. Surely. _Wasn't_ he?

For the first time in his life, Xemnas was lost for words.

"..."

Number I's office would've been completely silent, were it not for the tinkling of the scalding hot coffee pouring itself all over the floor... and Xemnas' lap.

The Superior suddenly regained the ability of speech as quickly as he'd lost it, a pain-filled yell echoing throughout the upper wings of the Castle That Never Was as his steaming beverage scalded the tender skin of his thighs.

* * *

Meanwhile, in the common room, Axel was filling Roxas in with all the juicy gossip following the shower incident with Xemnas.

"Man oh man, it was the _funniest_ thing I've _ever_ seen. Got It Memorized?"

Before Roxas got the chance to respond, an enraged scream seemed to shake the walls of the castle, a few books falling from their places on the bookshelf as a result.

The Key Of Destiny immediately shot Axel an accusing look, to which the pyro held up his hands in defense.

"Not me. I have nothin' to do with this one."

Roxas wasn't convinced, but he wouldn't push the matter.

"You gotta admit though..." Roxas glanced up toward a smirking Axel, "If Xemnas keeps squealing like that, he's gona end up sounding like Larxene... I mean _damn_."

_**"I HEARD THAT YOU JACKASS!"**_

"Uh oh..."

* * *

"... Yeah. So I got busted."

Vexen's face was void of all expression. In fact, it looked like he'd thrown an all nighter.

A _rough_ all nighter.

It was a well known fact that Xemnas didn't know when to shut up, but Demyx came an _extremely_ close second.

Apparently, Xemnas had sent Demyx down to the labs for punishment... again. Something about Demyx interrupting his shower... argh he didn't know. Number IX babbled too fast for him to take seriously anyway.

Vexen sighed, pinching the bridge of his nose. He swore he could feel a migrane coming on. It was to be expected daily when one of his intelligence was forced to reside with buffoons.

"Demyx... did it never occur to you to use a corridor of darkness to escape Xemnas' wrath?"

Demyx didn't respond, his jaw hanging agape as he stared through Vexen at the ceiling behind him.

Oblivious to the Chilly Academic, Xigbar was upside down on the ceiling of the lab, humming the Mission Impossible theme as he crawled towards the two blondes like an experienced member of the FBI.

The Freeshooter held a finger to his lips, signalling Demyx to keep quiet about his presence while he grinned like the cat that ate the canary.

It was no secret that Number II took great delight in irritating Vexen; supposedly he'd been annoying him since the days of Braig and Even.

Old habits die hard.

"Demyx are you listening to me?" Vexen snapped, quirking a brow at the nocturne.

"..."

Xigbar had now lowered himself so that he was hanging upside down mere feet behind Vexen's head. Shooting Demyx a smile and a wink, he started to blow a HUGE bubble with his gum.

_Since when does Xigbar chew gum?_

Demyx didn't know. More importantly, just _where _did Xigbar get it _from_?

Xemnas had forbidden any sort of sugary delecacy in The World That Never Was, _especially_ from Demyx.

Apparently, high sugar intake on Demyx's part was worse than a drunkard Luxord and a depressed Zexion fused together. In addition, Xemnas might add, Vexen was the sole member within the Castle That Never Was that knew anything about dental issues.

_Everyone_ knows sugary treats aren't good for one's teeth.

When you're a neophyte that annoys the living daylights out of said member with dental expertise, going to him with dental problems isn't the smartest idea.

To Vexen, revenge was by far sweeter than any sugary delecay.

**"DEMYX!"**

Demyx shook his head, almost jumping off the chair he was sat upon.

"Uhh yeah that's great Vexen..."

Vexen snarled at the sheer_ cheek_ of the younger blonde.

"You know what your problem is number IX?"

Xigbar's gum bubble was now approximately the size of Vexen's head... and was growing by the second.

Demyx bit his lower lip to stifle his giggles - which lead to Vexen becoming even more enraged.

The image of Vexen's normally stoic, cold face reddening with anger; plus the giant pink bubble behind his head was enough to send even Zexion into hysterics.

"You have no resp-!"

**BANG**

Had Demyx not been in the room with Vexen, he would've swore that the scream that followed the loud explosion of Xigbar's gum bubble was that of an old lady. Demyx didn't think it was possible for a male's voice to reach such a high pitch.

That's Vexen for you. Defying the laws of science since the dawn of Kingdom Hearts.

* * *

"PINK!"

"BLUE!"

"PINK!"

"I'M OF A HIGHER RANK THAN YOU!"

Zexion had had enough. Listening to Marluxia and Luxord squabbling like small children made Xemnas' meetings sound like music to the ears.

"Why don't you choose a colour that's neither pink nor blue? Like purple?" he reasoned, the two arguing males pausing in their conflict to shoot disgusted glares Zexion's way at his intrusion.

"That's not the _POINT_!" Marluxia hissed, leaning over the balcony,_ "WHY_ isn't Saix doing anything?"

Almost on queue, Saix rolled over - and Marluxia virtually fell off the balcony, were it not for Luxord tugging him back to safety by his hood.

Apparently, the Graceful Assassin wasn't all that graceful when enraged.

"He's **ASLEEP**?!"

Luxord peered over Marluxia's shoulder, all past arguments forgotten as bright blue eyes clapped onto the berserker - who was curled up in the comfort of the leather couch, purring like a small kitten.

"Buggeration."

Marluxia growled, fisting his hands through his hair. He couldn't believe it! Of all the times Saix could choose to take a nap. Saix _doesn't _nap.

Hell, Saix doesn't _sleep._

_'HOW DARE HE!'_

Truth was, Saix did sleep.

Of course he did.

Sleeping is a necessity for all life forms - even those of non-existent, heartless, bloodthirsty berserkers that use their enemy's blood as war paint and garnish material for dinner.

Number VII just chose his sleeping periods carefully. Sleeping means that the one concerned is vulnerable.

Saix never appears vulnerable for _anyone._ _He_ makes _others_ feel vulnerable just by _looking_ at them - and he wanted to keep it that way.

* * *

A small smile tugged at the corners of Saix's mouth as he dreamed...

_Xemnas had left the castle in his charge. Apparently he had some urgent business to take care of. _

_Quite frankly, Saix didn't care. _

_Fact was, __**he **__was__** in charge**__._

_How he'd waited for the day._

The smirk on the sleeping Saix's mouth increased tenfold as his sweet dreams were filled with torturous screams, childish neophyte vermin begging for mercy as they were taught a lesson they would never forget...

* * *

The smile on Saix's face did it for Marluxia.

He was lying there, sprawled out on the couch _smiling_ in his sleep while _he, _The Graceful Assassin, _Lord _of Castle Oblivion was breaking his back trying to get the temperamental git to scream.

He had 5,000 munny sitting heavily on this bet and he was NOT going to lose it to that cocky, intolerable oaf Axel.

**"AUGH!"**

Anger completely overtaking logical thinking, Marluxia grabbed at the closest heavy object - which happened to be Zexion's Lexicon... and lobbed it at Saix in an Olympic style shot.

Apparently, Marluxia severely underestimated his own strength and accuracy.

The Graceful Assassin's mouth suffered a drought of epic proportions as the flying Lexicon collided with Saix's head - a dead hit.

"..."

* * *

_Saix smirked dangerously, bearing unnaturally sharp fangs as he raised his claymore above the pyro's head._

_Finally, __**finally**__, he was going to bash Axel's head in..._

_Had he a heart, he would be crying tears of joy as he brought the claymore down... and Axel would scream like the petty little girl he really was as it collided with his skull..._

**WHAM**

Saix shot up in shock, falling from the comfort of his couch to the cold, hard floor.

Pain shot through number VII's head as he sat upright... to find Zexion's Lexicon in his lap.

_'What the...?'_

* * *

"MARLUXIA!" Zexion squealed, biting the tips of his fingers, "OF ALL THE FOOLISH-!"

"HE WAS ASLEEP! I have 5,000 munny riding on that fool and I'm -"

"Well I hate to break it to you but he isn't now mates..."

The trio glanced down at Saix, whose golden eyes were scanning the room for the offenders that _dared_ to awake him from his peaceful slumber.

Well, to Saix, violent dreams involving a killing spree where one can bludgeon his colleagues to death _defines_ peaceful. The Luna Diviner's world would be a _far _more relaxing place were it not for the twelve others that constantly made his life a living Hell.

Zexion abruptly turned on his heel, only to be grabbed by Marluxia's iron grip.

"Not so fast. We have a deal. He hasn't screamed yet."

Zexion shrugged off the assassin's arm with utter scorn. "You may like risking your life for petty gambling needs Marluxia, but I for one am not getting myself involved any further."

The smirk that spread across Marluxia's face was downright unsightly.

"Ahh but Zexion..." he began, edging towards the schemer's ear, "Isn't that _your_ Lexicon in Saix's hands hmm?"

Zexion swallowed thickly.

"Seems like you're already up to your neck in it, wouldn't you agree?"

_'Damn you Marluxia. Damn you to Hell.'_

* * *

Saix's golden eyes flitted around the room, avidly seeking out their prey.

_'How dare they. How __**dare**__ they.' _

Everyone knows how annoying it is.

The alarm clock awakening you from a glorious dream... just as you're getting to the good part. Replace that alarm clock with a _heavy _Lexicon... or the world's largest, most boring textbook to the head.

Not amusing in the slightest.

Not. At. All.

The Luna Diviner's gaze finally fixed upon the trio stood gaping at him from atop the balcony of the Addled Impasse.

_Busted._

Zexion and Luxord seemed to be the swift thinkers of the operation, the pair falling over their own feet in their haste to escape with their pathetic lives.

Marluxia on the other hand, took a few moments longer.

His feet didn't seem to want to _move_. The Graceful Assassin's image strongly resembled that of a deer caught in headlights as blue eyes fixed upon golden slits.

It was in that moment, Marluxia decided Saix wasn't angry after all.

He was _pissed._

He swore Saix was _growling _at him.

Shooting the berserker a quick smile and a wave of the finger wiggling variety, Marluxia turned on his heel and sprinted off with his tail between his legs, hauling ass for all it was worth out of the Addled Impasse and into the hallway.

* * *

Saix could feel the familiar sheer power pulsing through his veins, his hair standing on end as Marluxia's head of pink hair bobbed its way out of sight.

Sharpened teeth ground together in frustration, creating an ungodly crunching sound that seemed unnaturally loud in the large, silent domain of the bipolar diviner.

Formerly tightly closed eyelids snapped open to reveal glowing golden pools, the berserker's prized claymore instantly appearing at its master's will.

Someone was going to die a _very_ painful death.

A very _slow _painful death.

Hacking off of limbs, castration... the works.

Saix was going to make his dreams a reality. Marluxia was a worthy counterpart to practice his bludgeoning techniques on... second only to Axel.

An enraged roar echoed throughout the entire castle as Saix dove through a corridor of darkness, claymore in hand.

Oh Zexion, Luxord and that damned Marluxia got themselves a sustainable head start alright - but that didn't bother Saix. He knew exactly where they were. He wasn't called the Luna _Diviner _for no reason.

* * *

"Luxord..." Zexion panted as he ran for his life, number X alongside, "How far behind is Saix?"

The Gambler of Fate chanced a glance behind him, quickly wishing he hadn't as a screaming Marluxia sprinted between and past the duo with a flurry of petals, a roaring Saix sliding around the corner at the end of the hallway behind him.

"OUTOFMYWAYYOUIDIOTS!"

A fork in the road caught Zexion's attention. He'd _finally_ be able to ditch these two fools.

There was more chance of Saix pursuing Marluxia. Zexion could pull rank on _Saix_ anyway if things didn't go according to plan... though a _berserk_ Saix was decidedly more difficult to reason with.

Unfortunately for the fleeing trio, a sprinting Xigbar skidded around the corner at the crossroads... a flailing, cursing Vexen seconds behind him.

Apparently, Vexen was pretty damn fast when he wanted to be.

"DUDES RUN ICE QUEEN'S GOT HIS PANTIES IN A TWIST AND-"

**BAM**

The collision was inevitable.

Marluxia crashed into Xigbar, the pair falling to the floor in a tangle of limbs.

Seconds later, Zexion fell over numbers II and XI, Luxord completing the nobody pile on with a shriek.

If only he'd been watching where he was going...

Beautifully synchronised screams were music to the raging berserker's ears as he pounced on his prey, throwing punches here, there and everywhere.

An added bonus to the situation was permission to maul Xigbar - courtesy of Vexen.

Saix didn't want to disobey orders from a superior; he was going to make the best of a bad situation.

His head throbbed with pain after his rude awakening... but that was nothing compared to the searing aches and pains that numbers VI, X, XI and II would feel the following day.

It was time for Saix to put his dreams into practise. Sure, the picnic was short of an Axel sandwich, but there's nothing like saving the best until last...

Victory was all the more sweet after the thrill of the chase... no-one knew that more than Saix.

Thus, Zexion, Luxord and Marluxia learned the _true_ meaning of let sleeping dogs lie.

* * *

_Oh those poor dears. _

_I feel incredibly cruel XD_

_Not much Axel in this one! He wasn't in there at all at first, but I couldn't leave him out :3_

_Next chapter is the last! (I think XD)_

_Will anyone get Saix to scream?_

_Thanks again for reading, reviews, alerts and favourites! They're much appreciated!_


	5. The Aftermath

**A/N: Oh. My. Gosh.**

**I live! 8D**

**I'm SO sorry about the uber long wait for this chapter. I've been really tied with life at the minute... and writer's block. I swear I re-wrote this chapter a good 3 times... if not more. It won't happen again. Promise!**

* * *

**The Aftermath**

Xemnas was not amused.

At all.

He was pretty sure that the nauseating display that was the colour-changing Kingdom Hearts had indeed induced an outer body heart attack, which in turn contributed to the excrutiatingly painful second-degree burns on his inner thighs after dropping his coffee in sheer shock.

Just when the Superior thought his day couldn't get any worse... fate proved him wrong.

Or rather, a certain neohpyte with bladder problems did.

Xemnas, just like every other resident in The Castle That Never Was, heard the screaming of the unfortunate souls that had gotten (what he assumed was) the Luna Diviner's panties in a twist... and had gone to investigate with a rather embarrassing limp.

Upon reaching the scene of the crime, Xemnas noticed several rather unsettling features of said crime scene.

**1.** Saix had obviously reached the point of no return and had thrown an animalistic bitch fit of epic proportions... and was nowhere to be seen.

_'Hopefully Xigbar will have kept those tranquilizers I forbade him from using on the other members...'_

**2.** Zexion had been given what HAD to be the world's biggest wedgie, since his tasteless purple pants had been pulled clean over the front of his head, shielding his vision from his rather grimy surroundings.

Xemnas blinked as the Cloaked Schemer muttered a variety of colourful curses as he repeatedly hit the northern castle wall with a 'thump' in his blinded-by-underpants state, his arms stretched out in what the Superior could only describe as a very good impression of a retarded zombie or a pasted Luxord.

**3.** ... Apparently Luxord had better luck walking through walls... or being lobbed through them, judging by the Gambler of Fate-sized hole in the thick marble of the castle wall.

More munny out of Xemnas' pocket to repair damage to his beloved castle.

_'I must remember to severely dock their wages.'_

**4.** A rather bloodied-up Marluxia had been left hanging from the balcony of the Addled Impasse by his hood, a large 'S' having been sliced into the Graceful Assassin's coat in a display of battle victory.

... Saix style.

What Xemnas _failed _to notice was the small puddle that lay in wait for a certain Superior's expensive, made-from-the-finest-leather-that-ever-existed boot.

It was with a rather undignified yelp that Xemnas slipped, falling flat on his backside in what could only be one of the vilest liquids on the Superior's darkness-infested planet.

_Urine._

A number of thoughts flashed through the Superior's mind at that moment, the enigmatic man's temper flaring as the infernal substance seeped through his clothes.

It was in that moment, a poor, innocent Dusk casually walked through the whole scene, avoiding the 'whoopsie' on the floor with grace that only a Dusk could master.

Of course, it made number I look all the more foolish.

_'Outsmarted by a Dusk?'_

That was it. Xemnas had _had_ it.

In a swift movement of his right arm, the Superior caught hold of the Dusk around it's unnaturally skinny neck, the poor thing blankly staring him straight in the face as Xemnas' teeth ground together with a '_crunch_'.

With a roar of pent-up anger, Xemnas threw the Dusk over his shoulder, sending the still-wandering wedgie-fied Zexion sprawling to the ground with a shriek, his arms and legs flailing like those of an upturned ladybird.

* * *

Saix wasn't at all surprised to find a note nailed to his bedroom door upon his return from what proved to be a glorified mauling spree.

Recognising the handwriting instantaneously, the Luna Diviner emitted a soft snarl as golden eyes flitted over the note with mild distaste.

_Saix,_

_Report to my office immediately._

_Xemnas._

Rolling his eyes, Saix sighed in annoyance.

_'Someone must've squealed on me... and they call me an ass kisser.'_

"Hmph."

Stuffing the note into his coat pocket, the diviner turned on his heel, stalking down the hallway towards Xemnas' office.

* * *

Axel was having an_ extremely_ hard time stifling the roars of laughter that threatened to break free from the confines of his heaving lungs as shining emerald eyes greedily drank in the sight before him.

Xemnas looked, in one word, completely and utterly _pissed_.

In his ignorance, Axel had no idea of the sheer irony of his choice of descriptive wording.

The Flurry of Dancing Flames had dropped in on the Superior to deliver his two-and-a-half-week late report to find Xemnas sat at his desk, glaring at the door while his hair dripped with a 'plip plop' against the oak of his worksurface.

"Uhh... Yo boss. Here's that report you've been whining about since the time of the Dinosaurs..."

"..."

_'No response. Hmmm...'_

Axel stalked up to the man's desk, slightly disturbed that Xemnas hadn't even blinked.

_'Shit. Hope he's not dead. He hasn't paid me this week.'_

In an attempt to gauge some sort of reaction from his superior, the younger man took a tight grip on his heavy report (the vast majority of which consisted of 2 giant words-per-page, purposely to annoy the living darkness out of Xemnas)... before slamming it down with a WHAM on the table.

The coffee pot jumped... right onto the perfectly-stacked reports on the Superior's desk, staining the formerly white paper to leave a mocha colour in its wake.

"Oops."

... Xemnas didn't budge.

_'Oh man oh man oh man...' _

Axel swallowed thickly, his brain doing a mental dance that strongly resembled that of the 'I really need to pee' dance.

_'Desperate times Axel... desperate times...'_

Taking a deep breath through his nose (instantly wishing that he handn't, something smelled real bad... and he didn't think it was number I's attitude), the Flurry of Dancing Flames leaned forwards so that his face was mere inches from Xemnas'...

... before promptly flicking him in the nose with a 'poink'.

_'Ha! He blinked! I win.'_

Axel never ever thought he'd be relieved that the Superior was indeed still alive and well, but if Xemnas popped his clogs and Axel was blamed... he'd have some very 'vexed' nobodies on his tail.

... and Saix who was, in Axel's eyes, the devil's incarnate.

Said relief quickly shot down the drain as Xemnas' hand wrapped around the pyro's skinny arm, just as he was about to push his luck and flick him a second time.

"Do **not** do that again." Xemnas growled, staring the smirking redhead down with glaring amber eyes.

_'Heh. What did you expect man? No way in Hell am I giving __**you**__ the kiss of life.'_

"Xemnas. You look like shit."

Axel's nose upturned slightly as he sniffed - much too loudly for Xemnas' short temper to ignore.

_'Ugh... and smell like it. Has he been rolling in Heartless crap? Wait... that smells like -'_

"Yes. Thankyou Axel. Very observant of you. Now get out before 'shit' won't even _begin_ to cover your appearance if you continue to test my patience." The Superior huffed, releasing his grip from the pyro's wrist.

"Pfft. Yeah yeah I'm goin' I'm goin'." VIII snorted, waving his hands in defence, "Heh, don't get _pissed_."

Glancing over his shoulder on the way to the door, Axel swore Xemnas' eyes _flashed_ in warning.

_'Holy shit. If looks could kill...'_

"Oh and Axel, one more thing..."

Axel's brows furrowed.

_'You make me clean the bathroom again and I swear I'll set the whole damn castle on fire next time. Cleaning up after people who can't piss straight worth a damn sucks ass.'_

The Superior leaned forward, placing his chin on laced fingers before quickly retracting with a grimace. It had even gotten on his _gloves_.

"Inform Vexen of 3 casualties by the Addled Impasse."

A hesitation.

"...and tell him to watch his step. One of them seems to have lost control of their bladderly functions."

_'One of them wet themselves?!'_

With a curt and rather confused nod, Axel exited stage left just as Saix entered, hearing the office door slam closed behind him.

It was there, in the emptiness of the Hallway, that Axel's laughter broke loose, the echo of the rare sound of merriment filling the castle's otherwise emotionless halls as he made for Vexen's quarters.

* * *

_Meanwhile, in the Addled Impasse..._

Zexion was completely and utterly stuck. The damn pants just would not come _off_.

He had heaved, hoed and god forbid, _screamed_ at the offending piece of underwear that had been tugged right up over his head and tucked neatly beneath his chin.

Had he not witnessed the event first-hand, he would have sworn that the classic wedgie was in fact impossible. No pants could stretch that far!

... unless a blue-haired, slightly psychotic berserker opens a can of whoopass on the wearer of said pants.

Zexion sighed, which was rather uncomfortable considering how tight his face had been pulled back against the fabric.

He had a horrible, horrible feeling that his eyebrows had been rubbed off, not to mention the ache in his neck hurt like a bitch.

Saix would pay dearly for this.

_'... as soon as I find a way of getting to the Superior's office from... wherever I am.'_

The fires of motivation being fed by sheer rage at his inferior, Zexion snarled, determined to get his own back on number VII.

... until he heard laughter in the hallway.

The confidence of the Cloaked Schemer vanished quicker than a pot of honey in the One Hundred Acre Woods.

_'Axel? Oh God no. Anyone but that cocky bastard!'_

Zexion panicked. If Axel saw him like this, he would never ever be able to live it down.

... _ever_.

Axel was _king_ of rubbing failure in one's face. Especially one of Zexion's intelligence.

_'Focus Zexion... use your instinct.'_

Fortunately for the Cloaked Schemer, he has a nose that is as as sensitive as that of a well-trained bloodhound. He could sniff out trouble a _mile_ away.

... along with Xigbar's socks, Marluxia's flowers, Axel and Demyx's infernal stink bombs... and the output of a certain number III's flatulence problem.

Because _damn_ he wasn't called The Whirlwind Lancer for nothing.

_Unfortunately_, in _this_ particular situation, his highly sensitive sense of smell was quickly deemed useless... thanks to whatever wuss had managed to wet themselves at the hands of the Luna Diviner_._

_'Typical.'_

In a state of absolute desperation, Zexion did what every other creature would in need of esape from a dangerous situation.

He hauled ass as fast as his little legs would carry him... right into a sprawled out semi-conscious Luxord, tripping over and landing on top of the Gambler of Fate in a less than compromising position.

_'Bugger it all.'_

As luck would have it, the Flurry of Dancing Flames himself has just rounded the corner, his eyes clapping onto a sight he _never_ thought he'd see.

"Woah!" The pyro slapped a hand over his eyes "Oh my poor, innocent eyes." he mocked, his tone strongly impersonating that of a shocked woman.

Visually-impared Zexion however... got the complete wrong end of the stick.

_'Oh dear God. __**Vexen's**__ with him?!'_

Axel's day had just got better, the man's laughter like a screaming banshee to number VI's ears as it echoed throughout the Addled Impasse.

"Ohhh **damn**! I need a keepsake of this!" VIII chuckled, wiping his eyes as he poked Zexion with his foot.

"Don't. Move."

Zexion could've broken his foot off in Axel's ass.

_'Do you think I'd still be here if I could move you colossal ignoramus?!'_

The poor schemer could only cringe as the merciless pyro called for an audience... of the worst kind.

"Larxene! Kodak moment! Kodak moment!"

* * *

_FYI. I didn't forget about Xig. You'll find out what happened to him in the next chappie XP_

_Oh DAMN._

_I have taken poor Xemnas' dignity and stomped on it. Hard._

_... and Zexion's XD_

_There wasn't anything about the bet in this one... though since Marluxia and Luxord are pretty much down and out for the count, it'll be Axel and Demyx's turn to get Sai to freak next._

_I do have this story planned out; and I never leave a fic unfinished. Even if I do take a half-year holiday between chapters. _

_Hurr._

_Thankyou as always to my readers! I love you lots and lots! :3_


	6. Of Dysfunctional Meetings

**A/N: Oh My God. I haven't updated this thing in so long! My inspiration just dried up in my busy lifestyle.**

**Hopefully it won't happen again. My muse tends to take very long vacations, though it seems to be back for the time being.**

**Enjoy the somewhat ridiculous and equally ridiculously _long_ chapter!**

* * *

Everyone knows it's not going to be a good day when they awake to the sound of their resident assassin screaming blue murder at the crack of dawn.

"My hair! Look what he did to my _hair_!"

A slightly disgruntled-looking Axel groaned, slapping a palm to his face at being awoken before midday by Marluxia's banshee-like cries as he kicked up a storm after waking up rather disorientated in Vexen's labs - though he seemed to have located the mirror to check up on his floorless appearance just fine and dandy.

As if Lexaeus' sound-barrier destroying snoring keeping him awake half the previous night wasn't bad enough.

Oh the _irony_.

_'Silent Hero my __**ass**__...'_

A light tapping at his bedroom door caused the Flurry of Dancing Flames to slink out of the comfort of his bed with a rather undignified yawn, idilly scratching the back of his head and yanking up black boxer shorts that had slipped a fraction during his slumber.

It was a Dusk.

A Dusk with an envelope.

A Dusk with an envelope from the_ Superior_.

_'Not good.'_

As emerald eyes flitted over the perfectly intricate handwriting (accompanied by numerous coffee splodges which ruinied the effect somewhat) that indicated a meeting was to be held _before_ breakfast, Axel knew it was going to be a long day.

_'My day just gets better and better...'_

His stomach gave an involuntary groan, its master glancing down with a look of pity before giving it a small pat.

Flipping the Dusk a small biscuit (baked by Demyx) as a treat which it effortlessly caught and swallowed whole, Axel retreated into the comforts of his quarters while Marluxia could still be heard screaming 2 floors down.

"My face! Augh! Look at it! _Look_ at it Zexion! That psychotic blueberry-haired cretin! He'll pay for this!"

A devious grin tugged at the corners of the pyro's lips.

As tired and peeved as he was, he couldn't deny he eagerly anticipated clapping eyes on the damage that had been inflicted upon his comrades at the hands of the 'Loony Diviner'.

Because the thought of anyone getting their asses handed to them by Saix was hilarious.

... with himself as the exception of course.

* * *

He wasn't disappointed.

The forms that occupied the thrones of II, VI, X and XI looked like they'd just been dragged through the Pridelands backwards by a herd of stampeding elephants.

Zexion looked to be the lucky one, suffering from a sprained wrist that was hidden within a sling, and a couple of minor bruises.

Luxord's face sported several stitches, bruises, cuts, a broken thumb... and the loss of his moustache thanks to VII's claws. At least now he'd have trouble pulling those Aces from his sleeves. Cheating bastard.

Xigbar didn't seem as phased as the others about the whole ordeal, even when confronted about the eyepatch that now covered his right eye. Needless to say, after being informed number II had actually _lost_ his eye due to Saix's loss of temper, mental notes were made to stay the hell away from the temperamental second-in-command as much as was nobodily possible.

Marluxia...

_'Oh dear God.'_

The Flurry of Dancing Flames couldn't contain himself.

It was like food to a starving man.

There sat the Graceful Assassin, a complete contradiction to his title.

Two black eyes marred his normally groomed-to-perfection features, giving him the look of a slightly flamboyant panda bear. A huge bump the size of the assassin's very ego protruded from a forehead that was creased by an ungodly frown while he drummed his fingers against the arm rest of his throne.

... and were those _bald_ patches Axel could see from the other side of the room?

Oh he could see Marluxia glaring at his staring, so he leaned forward and squinted to rub salt into the wound.

Marluxia seethed, shoulders hunched, fingers digging into the arms of his throne.

"Take a picture Axel. It'll _last_ longer." he hissed from across the room, blue eyes narrowing on their red-haired smirking target.

"Good idea! Glad your brain's still workin' anyway Marluxia. I was kinda worried for a second man. That's one _hell_ of a doozy on your forehead." he purred, slouching back into his throne like the cocky, arrogant little bastard that he was.

XI didn't rise to the obvious bait. He _wouldn't_. It was beneath him to even _consider_ playing into Axel's grimy hands...

"Tell me Mar, I'm curious. What's more bruised, your ego... or your _ass_?" Axel prodded, grin increasing tenfold as his fellow nobody's face turned an enraged shade of crimson.

Oh he _would_.

"Why you -!"

In the blink of an extremely bruised and rather swollen eye, the assassin was on Axel's throne, hellbent on turning _him _into a piece of furniture.

"Holy sh -!"

* * *

Marluxia's day wasn't destined to get any better.

By the time the rest of the Organization (with the exception of Xemnas who was always 'fashionably' late) arrived and took their thrones, there were more than a select few quirked brows and confused expressions being sent in his direction.

...which was currently hanging high above the ground to the immediate left of Axel's throne - thanks to a well-thrown lance on Xaldin's part. Apparently, fighting between members was not to be tolerated outside controlled sparring or the like.

As per usual, it was Demyx who acted as the rather blunt and harmless knife that cut through the thick atmosphere. Marluxia could only wince as the blonde's cerulean eyes zoned in on his rather embarrassing predicament.

"Woah!" he actually sounded awe-struck as he took another bite out of a scavenged piece of toast, "Whatcha doin' up there Marly?"

Marluxia opened his mouth to answer, but was quickly beaten to it by the silver-tongued Flurry of Dancing Flames.

"Oh he's just _hangin'_ out with me aren't ya pal" he chuckled, even having the cheek to tap on Marluxia's foot in a mockery of a friendly gesture.

That got a laugh from some of the others, the sound grating on the assassin's ears as it echoed throughout the room.

_'They will pay dearly for this one day...'_

Bright blue eyes flitted about the room, as if picking each of the members off one by one.

_'All of them...'_

Said eyes eventually fell upon the one who had been the very cause for this entire fiasco.

_Saix._

Golden orbs that seemed to shine with silent amusement stared back up and him, the tiniest trace of a smirk upon the berserker's lips.

"Admiring our work are we _Saix_?"

Saix's name was almost spat at him, but he remained completely impassive, looking Marluxia clean in the eyes. "In my opinion, it is a drastic improvement." he sneered. "You look somewhat more like a man now _Marluxia_."

The room became ensnared in a deathly quiet, the only sound being Demyx's toast falling to land butter side up hundreds of feet below.

It was Larxene's shrill cackling that finally broke the spell, the other members following suit. Even Vexen, Lexaeus and Zexion were laughing, though the latter made a point of hiding his amusement behind a gloved hand that was not sheathed within a sling.

Xigbar thumped his thigh glancing from Xaldin to Luxord. "Dude!" he chuckled, "Do my ears deceive me? Or did Saix just crack a joke?!"

Before anyone could answer, the distinct sound of a corridor of darkness joined that of the laughter, leaving a rather tired looking Superior in its wake.

The continuation of laughter showed a distinct lack of respect for number I, though Marluxia was the only one to notice since:

1. Everyone else was way too preoccupied with practically losing control of their bladders at Saix's completely ridiculous joke on his part.

2. It should not be Xemnas but _he _who was occupying that throne in the first place. No way in hell would Marluxia ever allow his inferiors to act like a bunch of raving lunatics - within or without his presence.

It was when Xemnas cleared his thoat (for the second time Marluxia noted) that the sound of merriment slowly died out.

A silver brow quirked as amber eyes lazily glanced about the room, Demyx's shoulders still shaking as he stifled giggles into his coat.

"... and what, may I ask, is so amusing?"

Axel snorted. The guy really was clueless. It was quite a scary thought, since he was the Superior and all...

Xemnas finally noticed that XI's throne was without an inhabitant, a small amount of rage building deep in his gut at the thought of one of his _underlings_ turning up later than he had... before his keen eyes clapped onto what could only be Marluxia_, _hanging by his hood from the wall; held in place by what appeared to be one of III's Lances.

The stoic leader remained silent, slightly bemused as the assassin began to struggle against his confines, trying to wiggle himself loose.

_'What in the name of -'_

"Marluxia."

At the sound of Xemnas' voice, Marluxia, who currently had both feed planted (no pun intended) against the wall while he tugged at his hood with his hands, turned to look at his superior with a roll of the eyes.

"Yes _Xemnas_?"

There were a number of '_Ooh_'s at Marluxia's disrespectful tone, but Xemnas didn't falter.

"Sit down and stop causing a scene." he tutted, frowing at him as if he were a small child.

Axel momentarily thought Marluxia was going to explode with rage. A harsh flush seemed to crawl along the man's cheeks, up towards his ears... and even part way down his neck. The pyro abruptly shuffled away from the anything but Graceful Assassin a little, just in case it did happen.

If Marluxia spontaneously combusted... there'd be petals everywhere.

Meanwhile, Roxas actually felt a little sorry for the assassin. The boy watched from his throne as Marluxia's lips moved, but no sound seemed to want to come out - he looked very much like a fish out of water. He had to admit though, it was way more amusing than staring Xemnas in the face while he droned on for lords knows how many hours...

Finally reclaiming the power of speech, Marluxia balled his hand into a fist, trying his hardest to ignore the smirking Luna Diviner from across the room.

"Do you think I would still be here if I _could_ sit down?" the words were ground out through gritted teeth, Xemnas shaking his hand in both dismissal and disinterest.

"I don't know Marluxia. Quite frankly, I do not care. Unlike you, the rest of us have other tasks to be getting on with -"

Marluxia's eyes left the Superior's throne, in the knowledge that the eyes could not lie. '_You have no idea Xemnas... no idea...'_

"I could always cut ya down pal." Axel offered, in a sickly sweet tone as his coveted flaming chakrams appeared in his hands.

Marluxia smiled sweetly in return. "Not on my life."

"Well, that's kind of the point -"

* * *

"So ya don't think I can shoot straight after losin' my right blinker huh?"

Xaldin smirked. "We'll have to have Xemnas change your title."

"Pfft! Yeah right. Heh. Watch this..."

* * *

"Is he doing what I think he's doing?" Zexion asked the Chilly Academic who sat in his own throne at his side, a long index finger tapping the arm in impatience.

Vexen squinted, realising that across the room, Lexaeus was covertly pointing in the direction of Xigbar... who had summoned one of his Guns.

The scientist glanced back at Zexion, apparently indifferent about the situation. "If he does, he's an idiot." he rubbed his chin thoughtfully. "Although I must admit Zexion..."

"Hmm?"

A devious grin spread across Vexen's lips. "I, for one, would not mind watching Marluxia falling several hundred feet to the ground -" he paused, before thoughtfully adding, " - makes one wonder what side up he would land... not to mention it would brighten up this fiasco of a meeting somewhat..."

The Cloaked Schemer sighed.

He could smell trouble.

* * *

"C'mon Demyx. How long do you think Marluxia's coat will hold out? Larxene just bet 30 munny on 5 more minutes."

"I did not! I bet_ 10_ munny you ass!" The nymph hollered, "You're not getting any more than that from me you stingy -"

"So little faith in your own decisions Larxene. No wonder you're always out of pocket -"

"YOU CHEAT! THAT'S WHY I'M ALWAYS OUT OF DAMN POCKET!"

Luxord waved her off, though Demyx didn't fail to notice the pained grimace of a man who had just recieved a shock of the electrical variety from the Savage Nymph.

"I'm not betting anything. I'm tired of betting. Ask Roxas -"

The pair looked at the younger blonde, who abruptly glared something sharp and pointy in their direction. "No."

Demyx chuckled, rubbing the back of his head as he apologised and turned back to Luxord with a smile.

"That's Roxas for ya. Short, sweet and to the point!"

* * *

"Axel. Unless you want a Giant Redwood shoved up your rear, you'll do well to keep your foul little mouth closed."

"_Ooh_. _Someone_ thinks a lot of himself -"

"Would the pair of you just _shut up_." Saix snarled, feeling a category two migrane coming on. "The fact that you even qualified for this Organization is-"

**_BANG._**

Zexion's hands flew to cover his eyes as Xigbar lived up to expectations yet again... and had literally shot Marluxia down.

Being one of the more humourous members, the Freeshooter allowed the flailing Marluxia to fall, enjoying the panic-stricken expression on the assassin's face as he neared the ground before bringing him to a complete halt mere inches from the hard floor. Having gravitational powers to your beckoned call had it's perks - it was an absolute dream for one whom loved his pranks as much as Xigbar did.

With barely any effort in the form of a flicked wrist, Xigbar levitated XI up, before rather harshly depositing him into his throne with a 'thud'.

"Oopsy daisy." he chuckled. "Sorry there Marluxia."

Xaldin's jaw had dropped, his head turning slowly from the hyperventilating Marluxia to face a smirking Freeshooter who winked in return.

"Told ya I could hit the target dude!" he smirked, thrusting a thumb into his chest in triumph, "I still got it!"

* * *

"So why'd ya call us here in the first place boss man?"

_'Come on. Make my day. Say you're going to step down.' _Marluxia thought to himself, disinterested of what his leader was going to say regardless.

Xemnas cleared his throat once again. "It appears we have pests in the castle."

Vexen perked up at this. "Yes." he muttered, "They're called _neophytes_."

Said neophytes, Saix included, glared at the scientist.

"Hey!"

"We pull more weight every day than you do in a year!"

"Shut up Axel." Xemnas reprimanded, eyes narrowing at the red-haired menace that was the source of too many of his headaches.

"Not my fault he's got an icicle up his ass..." Axel trailed off, slouching against the back of his throne.

"Now," Xemnas began, "As I said. We have pests of the small variety within the castle. Obviously someone has been careless and has left open a coridoor of darkness -"

Lexaeus audibly coughed. He'd never forget the day Xaldin, Xigbar and Luxord had requested his help at hauling giant crates of rum from Port Royal into the castle. Of course, since there were multiple crates, the portal had been open for quite some time. Port Royal _was_ known for its Rat population...

"Something to say Lexaeus?"

"No..." he paused, avoiding eye contact with numbers II, III and X, "... just a cough."

Xemnas shook his head, slightly annoyed at being interrupted. "Now... where was I?"

"You were telling us that we could get the hell out of here and have the rest of the week off."

"No he wasn't Axel! He was telling us that the castle has a pest infestation!"

There were a number of facepalms that followed Demyx's truthful outburst, along with groans of the blonde's name.

"Ah yes..." Xemnas continued "As a result of said creatures gracing the halls of our castle with their presence, we have nothing for breakfast this morning -"

"WHAT?!"

Axel began to wonder just how contaminated Demyx's fallen piece of toast would be.

Xemnas sighed. "Yes... as of this moment, you are to dispose of any of said pests by any means neccessary."

"What pests?" Roxas asked, curious as to what had been dumb enough to wander into the castle of its own volition.

"I happened to stumble upon one of them this morning -" the others watched their leader with great interest - something that had not happened in a meeting for quite some time, as he pulled out a small, white -

"MOUSE?!"

Vexen swallowed thickly, Zexion and Lexaeus sending knowing glances in his direction.

High up on throne number VII, the hairs on a certain Luna Diviner's neck stood on end.

* * *

_Man. _

_Thirteen characters in the same room makes beautiful, mind-boggling writing. Argh. This chapter wasn't really crucial to the plot at all... more like a huge-ass filler._

_Thankyou all for reading guys. Reviews are much appreciated - The Muse Noms on them. No-one wants to see a starving Muse :3_


	7. Of Mice, Men and Moms

**A/N: Whoop! I'm on a roll!**

**... a _Cinnamon_ Roll.**

**You laughed. I heard it.**

**Enjoy the chapter! They seem to be getting more ridiculous as I go on...**

* * *

A short few hours and several aching backsides later, the entirity of the Organization had been dismissed to their quarters with strict orders to stock up on mouse traps, rat poison (much to the utter dismay of Demyx) and whatever else they deemed convenient to rid Xemnas' beloved castle of its rodent trespassers.

Of course, Xigbar was overjoyed. Nothing like live game to aid the practice of one's shooting capabilities. The fact that Xaldin had wagered he could hunt down more of the critters than Xigbar could only made the game more interesting.

"Dude. It went in there, I saw it."

"Xigbar. You've just lost an eye. Why don't we leave the visualising to those who still have their vision intact?"

Xigbar shrugged off Xaldin's rather offensive remark, before returning to his previous activity that was peering through the gap between the giant doors to Xemnas' sacred and extremely off-limits territory - his office.

"Man it's dark in there." Xigbar shuffled, pressing his face even closer to the closed doors. "I can't see shit! Really! It's pitch black dude!"

Xaldin sighed, rubbing his forehead. "Just a thought... you might want to try using the eye that actually _works_. You might _just_ see something..."

"Oh." Xigbar chuckled, rubbing the back of his head sheepishly. "Thanks man."

Hands wrapped around the string that connected the pair to their mousetrap within the Superior's office, the two waited.

* * *

_Meanwhile, in Vexen's labs..._

"I think Vexen's finally gone senile..." Zexion murmured to Lexaeus, whose arms were filled with mouse cages thanks to the near-frantic scientist.

"Zexion! Shut up will you." Vexen hissed, tossing yet another mouse cage into the schemer's over-occupied arms. As cold as Vexen was, he'd even used Zexion's sling to maximise his use in his current mission - recapturing all the lab mice that had escaped thanks to a minor mishap on his behalf involving one too many glasses of late night wine.

"- and hold still. Gods be damned. Why are you so small?!"

Lexaeus snorted, but was instantly shut up as Vexen shoved another two cages into his arms.

"I don't know what you're laughing at Lexaeus. This is a very serious matter." the scientist barked, "If Xemnas finds out we brought _animals_ into the castle, he'll fire us-" he paused, considering his own words as he frantically searched through the laboratory cupboards; Zexion diving out the way with a squeak as a bottle of acid was carelessly thrown over the blonde's shoulder.

_'Not that that's exactly a bad thing.'_

" - Or," Vexen continued, "If he's in a _particularly_ dull state of mind - which may I remind you is virtually _all the time_, he'll sick _Saix_ on us. Do you not remember what happened in the days of our apprenticeship? When Braig stuck one of Ansem's lab rats down Xehanort's pants?!"

The other two men gulped, recalling upon the event with a pained grimace. Xehanort had freaked out so much that he'd sliced Braig's cheek with a scalple with intentions of dissecting _him -_ adding yet another scar to the man's vast collection. The metal cages within Zexion's arms began to shake, but Vexen mistook the tension for fatigue, swatting the smaller man on the arm with distaste as he made for the door.

"Zexion. Your weak strength is nothing short of embarrassing." he huffed, striding past like the man on a mission that he was as his blonde hair billowed behind him, stomping on Lexaeus' foot in the process.

The Cloaked Schemer spluttered in offense, not even having the time to stumble upon a satisfying insult to spit back at the blonde as he swung open the heavy steel reinforced door that stopped neophytes from coming in and sometimes... Vexen getting out.

Vexen pulled out a pair of goggles from his left pocket, putting them on with a 'twang' of the elastic that held them in place.

Oh he meant business today alright.

"Alright my noble inferiors, let us reclaim what is rightfully ours."

Zexion looked to Lexaeus as Vexen stormed out the doorway, smashing a test tube on his way out with a mild curse.

"Our _dignity_?"

* * *

Saix had checked high and low.

... Then high again - just to be sure of course.

Finally satisfied that his room was indeed pest free, the Luna Diviner allowed himself to relax, falling back to lie upon the silk sheets of his bed with a sigh.

The man folded his arms behind his head, a trace of a smirk on his lips as he recalled looking upon the more than a little ruffled up nobodies at their previous meeting, slumped upon their thrones like over-sized battle trophies. He could have cut off their heads off if he'd wanted to, sticking them to solid oak plaques before mounting them on his wall to serve as constant reminders of his victory... but alas, they needed all the members they could get - even if the extreme majority were idiots.

_'Majority? They're _all_ idiots...'_

He'd be doing the worlds a favour to put them out of their misery anyway...

_**"DON'T WORRY, 'BOUT A THING..."**_

... not to mention he'd be doing himself a favour.

Saix almost fell off his bed in both pain and shock at what could only be described as the _noise_. What was somewhere inbetween a strangled cat and the sound one made when he had been kicked in the crown jewels practically damn near burst Saix's ear drums on impact as it seemed to spread throughout the entire castle like a wild fire in Marluxia's garden.

_'Demyx again...'_

**_"...'CAUSE EVERY LITTLE THING, IS GONNA BE ALRIGHT..."_**

_'Wait.'_

That voice was too lazy to be Demyx... he knew that _tone._ He just couldn't place -

Saix bolted upright as it hit him like a flaming tonne of bricks.

_'Axel.'_

Axel... s_inging._

The Flurry of Dancing Flames annoyed the Hell out of Saix just by _existing_... in a sense - let alone _singing_.

**_"99 BOTTLES OF BEER ON THE WALL, 99 BOTTLES OF BEEEER...!"_**

Oh dear _God_. It was a mash up.

No doubt just for him.

Saix's teeth ground together as the last 'beer' was dragged out for as long as Axel's lungs would permit - too long in his opinion. He swore his ears were _ringing_, screaming out in pure _agony_... and he thought _Demyx's_ singing was bad. At least the younger man had some sense of tune and rhythm about him.

Axel was obviously tone deaf.

Clawed hands reached up, clenching themselves within the man's bluenette locks as he felt his self-control slipping away with every horrendous note that left the pyro's throat - that had obviously had a razor stuck down it at some point. It sounded worse than nails on a chalkboard; than _claws_ on a chalkboard.

_'Saix. If I find another member of my Organization clinging to their non-existent life by the skin of their teeth thanks to your indulging of your 'other side', I'll send you to Atlantica with Demyx for an entire week.'_

The Luna Diviner shuddered at the thought. That had been a warning from directly from Xemnas himself - sent on a post-it note (a particularly _bright_ pink one) via an absolutely terrified Dusk to his personal quarters.

Saix's intimidation could only go so far; and at the end of the day, Xemnas _was_ Superior. He had to pull his weight if he wanted his heart. Let it be said that life, even when non-existent, is _still_ unfair.

In a last ditch attempt to keep his inner beast on the collar, Saix closed his eyes, concentrating on his breathing. Breathing was the key to one's calm frame of mind - at least, that's what Vexen had told him once the pair had returned from Atlantica after narrowly completing what Saix had decided was one of the most terrifying missions he had ever been on in his life. Sure, he hated water, but the joyous singing and the vomit-inducingly pleasant atmosphere was just _unbearable_. Not to mention the half-nakedness and the distinct fishy aroma that followed one around for _days_ upon his return...

The Luna Diviner would never understand why Demyx 'enjoyed' the place so much.

Feeling his muscles relax ever so slightly, Saix allowed himself to daydream. He would allow his berserk side to maul within the much safer confines of his mind. Sharp fangs gleamed in the moolight as the diviner clearly pictured wringing the pyro's skinny neck, strangling him until every last excrutiatingly painful note had been squeezed out of him...

**_"SAIX'S MOM HAS GOT IT GOIN' ON..."_**

Oh that was _it_.

Screw trying to stay calm.

Screw Xemnas' warnings about controlling himself.

Singing fish in Atlantica be damned.

A blatant attack on his mother was just uncalled for.

What little was left of Saix's sanity was dragged away with its nails digging deep into the ground in resistance, but the monster within him was far too pissed for courtesy. With a feral grin, Saix unclipped the leash, his berserk state making itself known with a beastly growl. Popping his knuckles and hefting his Claymore, Saix knocked his door clean off its creaking hinges, before bolting towards the source of his current headache... and earache.

Before Axel could say 'Got It Memorized?', Saix was hot on the trail he blazed.

**"HOLY SHIT ON A SEASALT POPSICLE STICK!"**

In his haste to maul his annoying comrade, Saix had unintentionally made a grave mistake that would prove to be hideously costly for the rest of his non-existent life.

He forgot to fix the door.

* * *

Meanwhile, down the hall, Xigbar and Xaldin were slumped back-to-back outside Xemnas' quarters, heavily indulged in what had to be one of the most adrenaline fuelling games ever to have been invented in the course of the history of the worlds...

"I _spy_ with my little _eye_ something beginning with -"

"String." Xaldin muttered, silently pondering whether or not it was at all possible to hang himself with his own dreadlocks. For a castle filled with nothingness, 'I spy' really was as invigorating as story time with Xemnas.

"Ooh _good_ one man. Okay I -"

"String."

"Hey!" Xigbar punched Xaldin on the shoulder, stomping his foot on the ground like a small child having a tantrum. "I didn't even _spy_ anything!" he huffed, folding his arms while he stared down at the string attached to the still dormant mouse trap.

"Well you _do_ only have one eye..." Xaldin mused, ruffling Xigbar's tattered feathers further.

"Yeah well... your hair is stupid."

"Hmph."

Just when both men thought all hope was lost; and the little rodent that had inconspicuously sneaked into their boss' office had given them the slip, the dull and hideously uneventful silence was broken by a loud 'SNAP'.

Xigbar blinked.

"Dude. Either you just farted, sat on one of your lances, snapped one of your dreads -"

Xaldin frowned as Xigbar counted out the possibilities on his fingers.

" - Vexen's been neglecting the whole teleportation thing and has actually starting climbing the stairs, which _can't_ be good for a guy as old as he is..."

The other man snorted, shaking his head.

" - or that right there, was the sound of our furry little friend gettin' himself a one-way ticket to rodent heaven."

The two nobodies exchanged a brief glance, eyes flitting from one another to the string on the floor... which steadily began to disappear through the gap inbetween the doors.

There was movement.

It was go time.

"Grab it!"

* * *

For the more compassionate Demyx, tracking down and killing innocent furry creatures wasn't all that appealing. In fact, when Xemnas had issued the order for the Dusks to place containers of rat poision and mouse traps throughout the entirity of the castle, Demyx actually considered flooding the Superior's bathroom.

He was just _that_ angry.

_'Rat poison?! Ha! As if that'll work! They're _mice_! Xemnas is so dumb...'_

**"DEMYX!"**

The sound of Axel's frantic voice interrupted Demyx's choo-choo-train of thought, the blonde's head whipping around to see number VIII himself skidding around the corner at the end of the hall.

_'Huh?'_

The Melodious Nocturne's thought train abruptly crashed, burst into flame and barrrel-rolled off the rails with a huge explosion when none other than _Saix_ bounded around the corner seconds later, murderous intent blazing within golden eyes that were void of pupils.

Demyx could only stare as everything around him seemed to be occuring in slow motion. In fact, he seemed slightly dizzy...

_'Oh. So _this_ is what it feels like after spending too much time in Marluxia's garden with all that Marluana stuff...'_

**"DEMYX SOAK HIM NOW!"**

The blonde gasped, clicking his fingers as it finally dawned on him, paying Axel no heed in his dilemma.

_'Marluxia tricked me! I knew I shouldn't have smelled that stuff he showed me after that meeting. He did this to slow me down so we couldn't win the bet!'_

While Demyx was mentally cursing himself for being so stupid, Axel zoomed past with a flash of red and black, a trail of fire blazing in his wake.

**"DEMYX! THE BET! SAIX HATES WATER! SOAK HIM NOW!" **he hollered over his shoulder, eyes widening to the size of the Queen of Hearts' backside as he gazed upon the raging berserker who was within gnawing distance behind him.

Axel could've swore on his non-existent heart that Saix had contracted something akin to rabies. His razor-sharp teeth were bared, his hair stood on end... and he was snarling at him something _horrible_. Where the hell did Xemnas find him?!

There was only one place Saix _belonged _he knew that for sure.

In a freakin' zoo.

Demyx meanwhile, didn't budge - aside from dumbfoundedly moving his head from right to left as Saix sped past him while he leaned against the wall to watch the entire spectacle.

**"DEMYX! YOU LITTLE TRAITOR! I KNOW ABOUT YOUR NIGHTMARES DEMYX! I SWEAR! I'LL SET SEPHIROTH ON YOU MYSELF MAN." **Axel yelled, narrowly escaping the grasp of Saix's clawing hands by arching his back.

The Melodious Nocturne almost choked on his own saliva at the sound of the One-Winged Angel's name. Ever since Xemnas had dispatched Demyx to Hollow Bastion for the first time, the blonde had been suffering from frequent nightmares involving the silver-haired man.

Because apparently, Sephiroth didn't like Demyx's singing much either.

To make matters worse, when the man had told Demyx to "_Shut up_" in a_ terribly_ impolite tone, the blonde had said the two words that had effectively signed his death warrant for him if he was to ever come across Sephiroth again.

"Your Mom."

Thus, Demyx's "RUN! RUN AWAY!" technique was born.

A tremendous crash shook the nocturne from the images of his nightmares - of unnaturally long weapons and equally unnaturally long hair... not to mention his _height -_ the guy even had his own _theme_...

"Oof!"

"Zexion! Watch where you're going you_ impossible_ little anklebiter!"

Apparently, collisions were frequent in The Castle That Never Was.

A Dusk's stride from where Demyx was stood, were the slumped forms of Vexen, Lexaeus and a groaning Zexion, surrounded by a mass of what looked like _cages_.

...in one of which, was Saix's trapped head.

The berserker had made to grab the redhead, hoping to break his skinny legs in a dirty tackle after gaining a considerable amount of distance on him.

He did _not_ anticipate the entirity of the castle's science nerds to tootle around the corner with a stack of stinking rodent cages at precisely the _wrong_ time.

As a result, he'd essentially dove head first into a trap... getting said head stuck in the process.

Axel on the other hand, was as free as a bird. The pyro had managed to dodge the mouse patrol at the very_ last_ minute, because he was just that _good_.

After hearing the tell-tale sound effect of a nobody collision - yelps, growls... and extreme profanity, the pyro slowed down to a trot with a quick glance over his shoulder.

It was a _beautiful_ sight to behold.

As it happened, Saix had fallen at the last hurdle.

Axel had to refrain from crying tears of joy as he watched the Luna Diviner hit the deck after colliding with IV, V and VI... diving head-first into one of the cages Lexaeus had dropped on impact as a grand finale.

Zexion headbutting Vexen in the groin was an added bonus.

This had to be one of the most defining moments in his career with the Organization - it just could not have been more perfect.

The Flurry of Dancing Flames grinned in victory, clapping and whistling in a mocking encore while Demyx broke into a fit of giggles.

"Hahaha! Better luck next time man!" Axel hollered at the struggling Saix, cockily licking his finger and pressing it to his hip to form a hiss and a small spurt of steam. "I'm just too _hot_ for you. _Got it memorized_?" he purred, before turning on his heel and swaggering off on his merry way.

**_"AXEL!"_**

... to find somewhere to hide.

* * *

_Quinton Flynn is going to hire a hitman to hunt me down and shoot me if he ever claps eyes onto this thing. FYI! Quinton, I think your voice is lovely; and I'm sure your singing is as such. Please don't shoot me. :3_

_Once again, Axel's plan stank... but once again, he got away with it XD_

_Thanks to all your lovely reviews, my muse is back on track; and is somewhat less starved! I read and drool over every single one of them. Honestly, they make me smile like a tard. Thanks bunches guys__! I'm glad you're enjoying the story that is the brainchild of my slightly ridiculous sense of humour! X3_

_Next chapter: Did Xigbar and Xaldin succeed in their catch? What will happen to our dear Vexen, Lexaeus, Zexion and Demyx when Saix escapes? And just where did Axel sneak off to?_

_The other members will appear later on, don't worry. I'm not neglecting them ;P_

_To **Rambonata**: I hope you find your lung soon! I must inform you that I am in no way, shape or form liable for loss of organs, pants wetting, cramps or breathing problems as a direct result of this story XP_

_Until next time! 8D_


	8. Of Fiends and Fountains

**A/N: Yo!**

**Sorry for the wait for this one guys! I've been a busy little bee lately X3**

**Enjoy the chapter!**

* * *

"Dude, do mice talk?"

Xaldin quirked a brow at his comrade's preposterous question.

"I am not even going to dignify that with an answer Xigbar -"

"No seriously man! It cursed! And not just any old curse either! It dropped an _F-bomb_!"

"You've been spending too much time in Port Royal drinking pirate fodder. Mice do _not_ talk."

No sooner had the words left the lancer's mouth, that a loud yelp emanated from the Superior's office where the pair's mousetrap had sprung only seconds previous.

"You see! I freakin' _told you_ man. We gotta go in there and get the little dude before Xemnas comes back from his little moonlight serenade -"

"_What_?!"

Xigbar grinned.

"Man, we are goin' to go where no man has gone before -" Xigbar paused, glancing over his shoulders just in case the place was bugged... or Saix was sniffing around.

"- _we_ are goin' into Xemnas' office... _without permission_." he finished, wiggling his eyebrows, making sure to heavily emphasise the last two words of his proclamation.

Xaldin could feel the colour draining out of his cheeks at the very idea of what his comrade was suggesting.

"Xigbar. No-one that has gone into that room without permission has ever come back out _alive_... or in one piece even. No sane man would ever -"

"No man without _balls_ dude." the Freeshooter countered, sitting back on his haunches to watch Xaldin's conscience battle it out with his man pride.

The lancer fidgeted a little, his eyes flitting from side to side in his indecisiveness.

"You're sure you can't just drag it through the gap in the door?"

"Yup."

To prove his point, Xigbar tugged on the string.

... only to get yanked _back_, his face hitting the hard surface of the door with a dull thud.

"_Shit!"_

"I told you Xigbar!" Xaldin exclaimed, warning bells going for broke in his mind, "That place is rigged from top to bottom! We should do the logical thing and get the hell out of here before we're turned into monotonal, coffee-slurping Kingdom Hearts whores. It could be bewitched and darkness knows what else..."

"..."

Unfortunately, Xigbar had never been one to listen to reason... and he wasn't about to start just because of some dumb, smelly-ass rodent.

"So ya wana talk shit huh mousey?" he growled, rolling up his sleeves and wrapping the string of the trap around his fingers as tightly as he possibly could.

The office door bursting open was his answer, knocking Xaldin clean out and breaking his nose in the process.

Xigbar blinked.

"What the -?"

* * *

Meanwhile, down the hall, Vexen, Lexaeus, Zexion and an instantaneously sobered-up Demyx had their own problem to deal with.

It was a temperamental creature, with somewhat homicidal tendencies should it be angered in any way, shape or form.

It stood just a little shorter than 6 feet tall, with a mane of powder blue hair and a pair of striking golden eyes that could turn a man into a shivering wreck at a mere glance -

"Demyx" Zexion sighed, trying to tear his mind from the situation at hand, "I know you're a wuss and all, but is the trembling with fear _really_ necessary?"

"I'm sitting next to Vexen! It's _cold_!"

"Would the pair of you shut up! Don't you think we have enough problems on our hands without mindless bickering to add to the list?!" Vexen hissed, " - and I am not _cold_."

... and the name of the problem, was _Saix_.

Alias the _'Luna Diviner'_.

The unluckiest number seven one could stumble upon during the course of his life.

Said unlucky number seven, having freed his head from a cage that was meant for snivelling rodents like Zexion as opposed to elite nobodies such as himself, currently had numbers IV, V, VI and IX backed up against the wall like little lambs awaiting slaughter.

To thicken the tension in the already heavy atmosphere, Saix began pacing back and forth, keeping his gaze fixed upon his victims as though picking out which one to disembowel first.

"Hey guys..." Demyx whispered, "I think he's pretty angry..."

Vexen's palm abruptly met with his forehead with a loud _'thwack'_.

* * *

The first thing Xigbar noticed about the 'mouse' was that it was wearing boots.

The second, was that it had a hand.

The third, was that the mousetrap was attached to said hand.

The fourth... was that that hand actually belonged to _Xemnas_.

Xigbar gulped.

_'Ohhh shit.'_

Beside him, still blissfully unaware of the awkward situation as he lay slumped on the floor, Xaldin groaned.

"Augh. Xigbar, did we catch something?"

The Freeshooter licked his suddenly bone-dry lips, glancing up at the clearly _enraged_ Xemnas.

"Oh yeah. We caught something alright..."

"Really? Thank _God_. I wasn't going in _there_ unannounced -" Xaldin muttered, struggling to sit up as he nursed a bloody nose - still completely unaware of the extremely dangerous biohazard that was an uptight Xemnas standing in the doorway.

"- I dread to think what _Xemnas_ does in his spare time. His mere _name_ is filled to the brim with sexual innuendo -"

Xigbar swore he could feel the heat radiating from Xemnas' rising body temperature.

"..."

The Superior's frame had stiffened, his nostrils had flared... and from the corner of his eye, Xigbar saw his hands ball themselves into fists.

_'Uh oh.'_

Slowly, refraining from any sudden movements that might startle Xemnas' inner caveman into an early temper tantrum, Xigbar burrowed as far as he could into the depths of his coat before yanking his hood over his head to conceal his smirking face with a low whistle.

...Xaldin carried on regardless.

"I mean, didn't he ever _think_ about it?! How can we, as an Organization, expect to intimidate others or even be taken _seriously_ when our leader has a name that can be re-arranged to form the word Manse -"

It was then that Xemnas snapped.

Extremely skilled when it came to predicting a blatant piss-take on his name, Xemnas made himself known, sending a deathly shocked Xaldin into the land of nod with one swift, fluid motion of a strong right arm.

... the one that did not have a mousetrap attached to the end of it.

Instant **K**nock-**O**ut.

Flexing his fingers slightly, Xemnas turned to Xigbar... who was still buried within his jacket, attempting to shuffle away while the Superior's attention was... elsewhere.

"Xigbar."

The Freeshooter stopped dead in his tracks at the sound of his boss' voice, cursing under his breath for getting himself noticed.

_'Son of a gun...'_

Apparently, he hadn't realised that just because he couldn't see _Xemnas_, that did not mean Xemnas couldn't see _him_.

... not to mention he was escaping in the completely wrong direction.

He was actually closer to Xemnas now than what he was to begin with.

Reluctantly, Xigbar raised his head from the confines of his coat like a weary gopher; just in time to see Xemnas tearing the mousetrap from his throbbing appendages before tossing it over his shoulder... where it landed in his office with a tremendous _'crash'_.

Xigbar winced.

The trap had broken Xemnas' coffee pot.

If he wasn't in trouble before he _definitely_ was now.

_'Damn.'_

Xigbar supressed a shudder at the sight of the comatose Xaldin to his right... before averting his eyes which brought him face to face with an even _more_ disturbing sight.

Xemnas' now _maroon_ face.

"..."

Luckily for the Freeshooter, he was a dab-hand when it came to the art of bull-shitting one's way out of a sticky situation...

"Look man." he began, casually wrapping an arm around Xemnas' shoulder, "We're nobodies. We can't_ feel_. Therefore, _you_ can't be angry with me dude."

For a miniscule moment in time, Xigbar actually thought he'd be praised for his smart-ass comment.

... until Xemnas' bad temper reared its ugly head.

"Shit."

* * *

From his seat beside Demyx, Vexen shifted to sit in a cross-legged position before pulling out a pen and a small notebook; Zexion giving the man a confused frown as he rapidly began scrawling for all it was worth.

"Vexen... what are you doing?" Lexaeus whispered, his eyes still fixed upon the prowling berserker who was almost certainly out for blood this time... and possibly their vital organs.

The scientist paused in his scribing to give the man a deadpan look.

"Writing my Will and Testimony... and before you ask, in the case that any of you do survive, no fool in this castle will be inheriting any of my worldly posessions."

"What about -"

"The same goes for my rank." Vexen snapped.

A Silent Hero away from the scientist, Zexion sulked.

"And you guys said I was bickering -!"

"Shut up Demyx."

Tiring of watching the four cornered nobodies squabble before him, feeling more than a little insulted that they were in fact, his _colleagues_ - some of which of a higher rank than _he_ was, Saix cleared his throat.

As expected, four heads snapped up in an instant, giving the berserker their undivided attention.

"I am going to ask _once_; and I am not going to ask again. If you wish to continue your pathetic farce of an existence, you will give me the answer I am looking for -"

Demyx's head nodded so rapidly that one could have been led to believe that his neck was actually an over-sized spring.

"_Where_ is Axel?"

"Don't know."

"How should I know?"

"Not a clue."

"..."

Demyx was the only one who did not supply a response, despite numerous bony elbows to the side from Vexen.

Saix knew from the expression on the younger blonde's face that he was hiding something; and unlike the majority of the other members of the Organization, Demyx hit a brick wall when it came to lying to anyone but himself.

_'Sitting duck.'_

The diviner's brow raised as his gaze settled upon the nocturne, his lips pulled to a thin line in agitation.

"I asked you a question Demyx."

Demyx briefly thought he could see two tiny horns poking out of Saix's head.

_'It's that stuff Marluxia gave me... it's that stuff... I'm _seeing_ things...'_

"I... I don't know Saix."

The diviner scoffed.

"Oh but I think you do. You were with him previous to that _fiasco_ in the hallway were you not?"

Much to the Melodious Nocturne's dismay, Saix began advancing on him, his patience wearing terribly thin at Demyx's lack of co-operation.

"..."

Beside the shivering Demyx, Vexen was having his own problems, the possibility of Saix mauling them all to death and using their bones as toothpicks suddenly lacking in importance as he faced a much more irritating dilemma.

His pen had ran out.

...while writing his dying wishes no less.

"Impossible! Is _everything_ in this confounded castle completely and utterly _useless_?!"

Lexaeus ground his teeth together at Vexen's dead-wakingly loud outburst, watching Saix's creepily slow approach from the corner of his eye while Demyx tried to camouflage himself against the wall.

"Vexen! Calm down -"

"No Lexaeus! I will not _calm down_!"

In his frustration, Vexen began shaking the unfortunate fountain pen to Kingdom Hearts and back.

Zexion blanched.

_'Oh dear God.'_

Terrified by his superior's faulty stationary-induced madness, Zexion began frantically searching his pockets for a spare pen, in the hope that if nothing else, it would shut the man up.

The last thing they needed right now was to anger Saix further.

"Vexen! I have a -"

It was then, that the calamity happened.

The 'fountain' pen lived up to its name.

With a final hard shake of Vexen's arm, the pen exploded into a fountain of blue ink... which landed with an ungodly '_splat'_ upon Saix's face.

"... spare."

* * *

Xigbar didn't know what was more disturbing.

The 'tap tap tapping' of Xemnas' foot in impatience... or the fact that the Superior had not said a single word in the past _ten minutes_.

It was, without a doubt, a new record.

His bull-shitting, which had served him so well throughout the course of his life (this and the last) having failed him for the first time, Xigbar did what anyone else who'd caught their boss' fingers in a mousetrap would've done.

He babbled... placing the blame on his colleague in the process.

"Okay man. I'm gona tell it to ya straight. See, here's what _really_ happened -"

Xemnas, to be quite frank, was _not_ in the mood.

He'd heard far too many of Xigbar's excuses in his many years of having known the man; and no matter the occasion, when Xigbar was in a hole, he always managed to dig himself deeper.

Allowing the Freeshooter's rabbiting to flow directly over his head, Xemnas raised his still painfully throbbing hand, before slowly removing his glove - finger by finger, while covertly watching Xigbar's uncomfortable expression from the corner of his eyes... which had begun to shine somewhat deviously if one looked close enough.

"- so then I was like _dude_, you can't go in there... but he wouldn't listen man." Xigbar sighed, nudging the unconcious Xaldin with his foot, causing him to grunt with pain, "He just had to go and play ninjas -"

"Xigbar"

"Yeah?"

With an elegant flick of the wrist, Xemnas bitch-slapped him clean across the face with his unsheathed glove.

* * *

Vexen glanced from the pen in his hand, to the berserker that howled with pain as the ink seeped into his eyes; and back again - dumbfounded.

_'Well... that's interesting...'_

Demyx's jaw hung loose, his eyes sparkling with complete amazement at Vexen's incredible feat.

"Woah! Vexen! How'd you _do_ that?!"

Vexen sniffed, pocketing his pen with an arrogant toss of his head.

"Knowledge is power."

The scientist turned to face Lexaeus and Zexion.

"Shall we run for our lives?"

Needless to say, upon clapping their eyes upon the Luna Diviner, who was currently clawing at heavily bloodshot eyes, the pair nodded, falling over one another as they hastily rose to their feet.

The sudden movement had caught the more-than-berserk berserker's attention, a low growl vibrating within his chest as he zoned in on the scrambling nobodies.

To freak them out further, Saix dragged his claws down the hallway wall, gauging deep holes within the rock hard stone.

_"This... is what's going to happen to your skin when I get my hands on you..."_

"Demyx! _Move_!"

"... "

_'... has he never heard of a nail file?'_

Vexen grasped onto the bewildered Demyx's arm, dragging him along behind him while he left Saix a nice ice slick as a parting gift.

"You _fools._" Saix growled, claymore at the ready, "I'll wring your filthy necks with your own intestines when I'm finished with you!"

Jumping at the Saix's deadly tone, Zexion lost his footing against Xemnas' God-forsaken marble floors, rolling himself into a ball as Vexen jumped over him with the grace of a slightly lame gazelle.

"Guys!" Demyx puffed, "We lost Zexion!"

Lexaeus risked a worried glance over his shoulder.

They did indeed have a straggler.

"He can fend for himself Demyx."

"B- but -!"

"Our brother in his coat of leather arms gallantly sacrificed himself for the sake of his comrades -" Vexen wheezed, slipping a little himself as they rounded a corner, " - to go back and put ourselves at risk would be a complete waste of his chivalry..."

_'Not to mention he'll slow that psychotic bastard down somewhat...'_

* * *

Zexion _hated_ the others right now.

_'Anger and hate are supreme? You're damn right there Xemnas... for once.'_

... he hated being _short_ even more.

Even as he stood and brushed himself off, Saix _towered_ over him, bloodlust painted all over his face.

... as well as a buttload of blue ink.

"Look Saix." he began, trying to sound as dignified as possible while he looked the berserker straight in the eye... which was _hard_ when your legs were shaking like hell.

"Let's talk about this like civilised human beings -"

A small smirk twitched at the corners of Saix's mouth.

"Whoever said I was civilised Zexion?" he purred, having regained a shred of composure.

"..."

As much as he hated to admit it, Saix scored points for that one.

"Now, you have a rather advanced sense of smell... am I correct?"

The schemer nodded.

"It's a little further adapted than most yes, but -"

"Good. Smell out Axel."

Zexion coughed.

_"What?!"_

Saix's eyes narrowed; and Zexion regretted ever questioning his intentions.

"You heard me." he allowed his eyes to run over his elongated nails before looking back at the Schemer... who felt the size of a small bug under his gaze.

"I'd love to Saix. Really... but I have other things to -"

Zexion almost swallowed his tonge as Saix grabbed hold of his collar, slamming him into the wall and knocking the air from his lungs.

"YOU _WILL_ SNIFF OUT AXEL AND YOU WILL DO IT _NOW_."

"..."

* * *

_I know I know, a Mansex joke?! Pfft! Surely you can't be serious!_

_But let's face it guys, KH humour would be one sandwich short of a picnic without it. Sorry Xemnas :3_

_The fountain pen thing? Beware. They are weapons of mass destruction if used inappropriately... or if they run out while Vexen's using them XD_

_Next chapter: Just where have Luxord, Marluxia, Larxene... and Axel got to?_

_The Muse will do tricks for reviews... it even baked cakes :3_

_As always, reviews, story alerts and favourites are very much appreciated! Thankyou to everyone who has taken the time to read and review so far! X3_

_Until next time! 8D_


	9. Of Shrooms and Dustbunnies

****

A/N: Okay guys, first off, I would like to apologise.

**I have just re-read this entire story to find it was completely RAMPANT with grammatical errors of every shape, size and colour. **

**Even one of the _chapter titles_ had a tyPOO.**

**My eyes bled with shame. Honestly, I cringed HARD.**

**That said, I have been through this entire fic with a fine-toothed comb, and I'm pretty sure I've taken down all the bugs that were crawling around this story, as well as having made some improvements to chapters that were written almost a year ago O.O**

**If any of you guys pick up on an error which makes you cringe at the writer's tard moment, don't shy away from letting me know! ****I don't bite **much** :3**

**There's a chapter around here somewhere, I promise XD**

**Enjoy!**

* * *

There was but one place in The Castle That Never Was that rebelled against Xemnas' boring neutral colour scheme.

It was a place where one could find himself surrounded by all the colours of the rainbow in a spectacular array of floral magnificence that was second to none.

Marluxia's garden.

"I still can't believe you drugged Demyx." Larxene scoffed, lounging atop a low-hanging tree branch as she looked down on the two men seated on the lush grass below.

"You _drugged_ him? By God Marluxia, it was an offence I would have expected from Larxene but never from _you_ -"

Marluxia didn't even bat an eyelid as Luxord found himself on the receiving end of 150 volts of Larxene's short-fused temper.

"They should've called you the savage _bitch_ do you know that?"

"Oh I know Luxord." the nymph purred, "But like the rest of us, I wasn't allowed to _choose_ my title now was I? Maybe if we had a different superior..."

Briefly, Marluxia's eyes met Larxene's.

_'Shut up you idiot.'_

"Say, Marluxia..."

"Hmm?"

"Are you growing shrooms by any chance?"

Tired of the numerous outrageous suggestions that he was involved in a drug conspiracy of some kind, Marluxia turned to the other man, hell-bent on giving him a piece of his mind through use of a long list of expletives.

... until he saw what Luxord was pointing at.

Occupying the far corner of his prized garden, was a forest of over-sized mushrooms; so large in fact, that a junkie would probably space out by just looking at them.

The assassin smirked.

"Those aren't just any old shrooms." he replied, a mischievous glint shining within his intense blue eyes, "_Those_ are _magic _mushrooms."

Larxene cackled so hard she almost lost her balance from atop her birch perch.

"Guilty as charged!"

Meanwhile, an alternate occupant of the Graceful Assassin's haven did not find the prospect of Marluxia farming illegal substances so amusing.

"..."

A little head of blonde hair popped up from amidst the bed of petunias, bright blue orbs narrowing beneath a pair of frowning minute eyebrows.

"Namine?!" Luxord spluttered, somewhat bewildered as he watched the petit girl stare Marluxia down.

"She's got smaller hands than me... she's quite effective when it comes to weeding the flowerbeds." The assassin reasoned with a shrug.

Namine exhaled, standing as tall as she possibly could before tearing off her gardening gloves and tossing them clean into Marluxia's face.

"Mmph -!"

Her bottom lip poking out into a small pout, disgust written all over her face, Namine turned on her heel and strutted off towards the exit.

"Namine! Don't slam the -"

Marluxia grimaced as the glass door of the greenhouse smashed in the aftermath of the scorned young woman's rampage.

"- door."

"Teenagers." Larxene mused, somewhat sympathetic towards the girl.

Being one of only two females in a castle of eleven testosterone-fuelled males was no easy way of life by any means, but someone had to keep them in line.

"Personally, I think she may be spending too much time around Larxene -"

"If you don't shut the hell up with your little insults I swear I'll shove that deck of cards so far up your ass you'll be shitting royal flushes -"

Marluxia buried his head in his hands.

_'Why me?' Why these people?'_

"What's the _matter_ Marluxia, craving a quick fix?"

His expression remaining as stoic as was physically possible for one sporting two black eyes, the assassin clicked his fingers... and the birch tree deposited the Savage Nymph onto the grass below at its master's commad.

"Shit! You _asshole_!" Larxene spat, rubbing her now throbbing rear, "I'm not the one growing magic plants so don't go getting pissed at _me_ when you need a high. "

"To be fair Marluxia, you said yourself that you're growing _magic mushrooms_ -" Luxord reasoned, shuffling his coveted cards.

"They're not _that_ type of mushroom! They're an exotic specimen from Wonderland!"

Luxord and Larxene both exchanged unconvinced glances.

_'Augh!'_

Marluxia fisted his hands through his hair in frustration.

"They're for natural enhancement!"

The Graceful Assassin regretted his suggestive choice of words before he'd even completed his sentence.

"Ah... I _see_." Luxord chuckled while Larxene wolf-whistled before doubling over into a fit of laughter.

"Oh ho _ho_ -!"

"Not in _that_ context!" Marluxia snarled, "Honestly, you really are terrible Larxene."

The nymph batted her eyelashes and offered the man a sweet smile.

"Why _thankyou._"

* * *

_Room XIII, The Castle That Never Was._

While the other members were occupying themselves with causing a riot in their never-ending endeavours to kill one another, a certain Key of Destiny had engaged himself in a much more productive activity.

Packing his suitcase.

He was going to haul ass out of the castle that should never have been and he would not think twice about looking back for his sanity's sake.

Spotting Xemnas wandering around the place half naked was, for him, the final straw.

_'Yuck.'_

Roxas had actually debated on going down to Vexen's labs and stealing himself a bottle of acid to cleanse his searing eyes with, but had thought better of it after stumbling upon a spilled bottle of said substance... and a gaping black hole in the scientist's floor.

He would just have to live with it - he loved his hair too much.

Slamming his case shut with a sigh, Roxas shrugged on his coat.

_'Time to go. Freedom here I come...'_

Upon reaching for the doorknob, Roxas' eyes trailed to a nearby photograph that had been tacked to his wall.

It was of him and Axel on their first mission together at Twilight Town.

The pyro had taken it himself, and a small smile of reminiscence graced the blonde's features as he gazed upon the grinning Axel... and his frowning self as the older man ruffled his hair.

As much as he hated to admit it, he was actually going to miss the red-headed jerk.

_'I'll just slip away now. If I'm lucky, no-one will see me... it's not like anyone's going to miss me anyway...'_

Unfortunately, slipping away was completely out of the question.

The boy damn near jumped clean out of his skin as his bedroom door flew open and the red-headed jerk himself burst in, falling against the door as he slammed it closed and bolted it behind him.

"_Axel_?!"

"Roxas! You gotta help me man. Saix is more than a little hot under the collar and I swear he's out to kill me this time -"

"He's out to kill you _every_ time Axel."

The pyro blinked.

"That's not the point! He's -"

**_'BANG BANG BANG'_**

"_Roxas! Open this door **now**_!"

There was only one person that had a cold, yet murderous tone quite like that one in The World That Never Was.

"..."

Roxas gaped while Axel heroically dove into his closet.

_'Some friend you are...'_

"_Roxas, I am going to count to three and if this door is **not** open_ -"

From inside the closet, Roxas could hear Axel's snickering.

_"He can count?"_

"_One_ -"

Roxas sighed.

"_**Two**_ -"

"I'm coming, I'm_ coming_!"

No sooner had the Key of Destiny unlocked the door, had Saix barged in with a meek-looking Zexion in tow.

"Saix? What -?"

The diviner's eyes narrowed in scrutiny at the boy.

"Before you even _attempt_ playing coy with me, don't. I _know_ he's in here."

Zexion could only offer the younger male a sympathetic look in apology as the berserker began searching under his bed.

* * *

_Inside Roxas' closet..._

_'Holy sweet Heartless. Does he never clean this place out?! Damn!'_

Axel ran his finger over the interior of the boy's cave of dusty wonders, finding that his formerly black glove was coated with a thick layer of dirt.

_'Geez Roxas... I've seen _hobos_ cleaner than this...'_

* * *

"Saix. Axel isn't _here_." Roxas groaned, willing the Luna Diviner to just bugger off in his mind. "I haven't seen him all _day_."

Saix snorted.

"Your false loyalty is admirable. I know that he's here; and if my judgement is not enough for you, then I am at liberty to inform you that it was Zexion that led me here."

Roxas frowned in the Schemer's direction, who held up his hands in defense.

"Roxas, I assure you I had no desire to be a part of this." he said, before adding in a whisper "_I was blackmailed_."

* * *

Inside the closet, Axel's legs were starting to ache, and he was becoming more and more uncomfortable by the second.

Cursing his tall height, the pyro had been unable to stand up straight for almost ten minutes... and his knees were beginning to buckle under the strain.

_'Augh.'_

In an attempt to soothe aching muscles, Axel shuffled a little, stretching his limbs one by one while he listened to Roxas politely telling Saix to get the hell out in a roundabout fashion.

What the Flurry of Dancing Flames _didn't_ plan on was the explosion of a huge-ass dust bomb that had settled and built up in Roxas' closet over lords knows how long... only to be disturbed now by Axel's rather screwed up yoga routine.

_'Shit.'_

Flapping his arms to clear the air of the thousands of floating dust bunnies, Axel found himself breaking into a sweat as that familiar feeling tickled at the back of his nose.

_'Oh no. Not now! Geez! Any time but _now_!'_

"Argh -"

"Ah -"

Dread rising from his toes to the tips of his crimson hair, Axel pinched his nose and clenched his eyes shut as hard as he possibly could...

* * *

"Saix I'd appreciate it if you didn't go through my personal belongings."

"Just as I would appreciate it if you revealed the location of that blithering pyromaniac _friend_ of yours."

"Roxas, why are the majority of your effects in a suitcase?"

Roxas blanched at Zexion's question, biting his bottom lip a little.

"No reason." he lied, "It's just easier to keep them there. My closet's kinda dirty -"

**_"ACHOO!"_**

Three pairs of very different eyes were instantly upon the closet.

"..."

**_"AH...AH...ACH-SHIT!"_**

The feral grin that slowly cracked the normally emotionless features of the Luna Diviner could have caused even Axel's red-hot blood to run cold.

_'Oh. **Yes**.'_

Cracking his knuckles, Saix strode towards the closet door with intentions of bulldozing it down to reach his prize that was currently cramped inside with his hands slapped over his mouth, as if hoping that somehow, his little sneeze had gone completely undetected.

"Saix no!"

Roxas dove for his superior, grasping one of his strong arms in a powerless bid to hold him back.

"..."

Feeling a little sorry for his inferior, Zexion cursed his compassionate shoulder angel before he too leaped forward, grabbing Saix's other arm and sitting down on the floor to act as an ineffective dead weight.

_'I really need to see Xemnas about a pay rise.'_

But when Saix wanted something, he got it. _Nothing_ came between the Luna Diviner and his prey. He didn't even seem to have _noticed_ the two nobodies hanging off his arms like living Christmas ornaments.

"_I've got you this time you_ _pathetic excuse for_-"

"Saix. Stop. That's an _order_." Roxas blurted.

_That_ stopped the berserker dead in his tracks.

Zexion, eyes wide, dropped off Saix's arm with a _'thump'_. No-one had ever bossed number VII around and lived to tell about it... except Xemnas; and even he was shaking in his boots while he did it.

"_What_ did you just say to me _boy_?"

Roxas gulped at the sight of Saix's pearly white fangs protruding from beneath his upper lip, before pulling out a small piece of parchment from his right pocket.

"Here... read it."

Saix's eyes flitted from the closet to Roxas, before his mind reasoned with him that Axel definitely wasn't going anywhere. If he dared to teleport his way out of his temporary prison, his instincts would pick up on it.

With a sigh of impatience, the berserker snatched the paper from the doe-eyed blonde; Zexion's head popping up at his side to read alongside him.

The diviner's eyes widened with each passing word of the letter in his hands:

_To whom this should concern. _

_Since you are reading this letter, you must have annoyed our resident Keyblade wielder in some format. _

_Such an act will not be tolerated within our harmonious Organization._

"Pfft!"

Saix side-glanced at the schemer, irked at having been interrupted by the younger's newfound sense of humour.

"Sorry."

_Under no circumstances is The Key of Destiny to be hit, kicked, bullied, threatened, used for target practice, or used as an item of furniture._

_This includes footstools and cupholders._

_There will be no discrimination involving the boy's height, age or rank; so long as the one reading this is not me, he is of a much greater impotance to this Organization than you will ever be._

_Number XIII has in fact threatened to leave our Organization as a result of previous incidents involving other members. __Of course, I could not allow this to happen. _

_If word reaches my ears that Roxas has experienced any form of discomfort as a result of another member of this Organization, they will be punished severely, starting with one week serving as target practice for Xigbar, followed by a displeasing mission in a world of my choosing... in attire of my choosing._

Both Saix and Zexion winced.

_I do hope that after reading this, I wouldn't be asking too much of you to be intelligent enough to refrain from disturbing the boy further._

_Signed,_

_Xemnas, Superior of Organization XIII._

_The Boss._

Saix's teeth ground together so sharply that, for a little while, Roxas thought he'd have to call a dentist.

Memories of Xemnas' threat of a week in Atlantica with the hyperactive waterboy Demyx came swarming back to haunt the diviner's mind.

_'Ugh.'_

Saix _hated_ water.

It was distracting, it was a nuisance and worst of all... it was _wet_.

His thoughts on Demyx weren't all that different.

"Hmph... and I'm supposed to believe this is valid?" Saix sneered, turning his nose up at the paper that he had scrunched in his palm in his anger.

"Actually Saix, I was there when Xemnas wrote that." Zexion confided, taking the letter from the berserker to re-read it for himself.

_'Oh well you would be wouldn't you...'_

Roxas breathed a sigh of relief... but soon sucked it back in again when Saix's scorching eyes were upon him and an accusing finger had been thrust into his face.

"You may have won this round, but as soon as _he_ sets foot outside that door, _I'll_ be waiting for him."

The blonde nodded.

"I - I'm sure you will Saix."

Before taking his leave, Saix stormed towards the closet door, giving it a good hard kick, severely misjudging his own strength as his foot penetrated through the old wood... and left Axel's grinning face in plain view upon his retracting it.

"_Saix_! Heh... fancy seein' _you_ here!"

Zexion caught the Luna Diviner's nostrils flaring out of the corner of his eye as Axel stupidly decided to clumsily emerge from the dusty closet.

_'You... are an idiot.'_

"Roxas. You really need to clean out that closet man. You could hide a dead body in there and no-one would ever find it among all that shit."

_'There'll be a dead body in here any minute if you don't shut up Axel... and you can be damn sure that they'll be nothing _left_ to hide in that closet.'_

The Key of Destiny allowed the insult to fly right over his head, his concerns already pre-occupied by the now snarling berserker at his side.

"..."

As if to warn Axel, Roxas' pupils flitted from the redhead to Saix; silently pleading him to shut the hell up else VII would go off the rails and tear them all to ribbons.

"Woah, Saix. Down boy."

Something popped. Whether it was Saix's knuckles, his neck, or his self-control neither Zexion nor Roxas could determine. The sound sent shivers rippling up both their spines all the same.

Axel carried on regardless.

"Now before you try to kill - oh, wait a minute..."

The pyro dipped his head to look at a spindly spider that was crawling down the front of his jacket.

"Oh _damn_!"

Raising his hand, he removed it from his person with one swift flick of a lengthy index finger... and sent it on a chartered flight to crash land on Saix's shoulder - a death valley if ever there was one.

"_Nasty_. Yeah... before you kill me, there's something I want to tell you -"

Zexion grimaced as Saix took the arachnid's life with a deadly-accurate slap of the hand to his left shoulder. He didn't even have to _look_ to see where it was; his eyes were too busy boring holes into the babbling Flurry of Dancing Flames, as if carefully selecting which body part he was going to dismember first.

" - your shoelace is untied."

Both VI and XIII didn't know what was more bizarre, Axel's choice of last words or the fact Saix _fell_ for it.

Hook, line and sinker.

In the time it took for the berserker to raise his head and realise that he'd been had, Axel was already on his way out of the door.

"Hahahaha! Memo to Moonshine! We don't_ have_ laces. Got it memorized?"

_**"Argh!"**_

Cursing himself for a fool, Saix spun around on his heel to give chase, running clean over Zexion, who had resorted to brandishing Xemnas' letter in his face like a wacked out crucifix.

Sadly, for a nobody as short as The Cloaked Schemer, one tends to find the art of intimidation decidedly more difficult to master; not to mention the pure irritation of constantly being ran over by stampeding berserker nobodies who apparently couldn't see him at all.

Zexion knew all too well what roadkill felt like.

__

**WHAM.**

The sound of a body hitting the floor brought the dazed schemer back to his senses; and what only could be described as pure and utter dread pooled deep within his gut when his eyes befell on what lay on the floor blocking the doorway to Roxas' room...

* * *

_Wonderland. Filled with oversized foliage-smoking caterpillars and naturally enhancing giant mushrooms._

_It's the place to be._

_Anyway..._

_CLIFFHANGER!_

_Sorry this one took so long guys! I haven't had all that much time to work on this. The next chapter will be up much quicker than this one, promise!_

_Not long to go now! A couple more chapters and I'll have wrapped this thing up O.O_

_As always, reviews, story alerts, favourites etc. are greatly appreciated! Thankyou again to all of my readers for sticking with this crack circus this far! :3_

_Until next time! 8D_


	10. Of The Birds, Bees and Sleeping Beauties

**A/N: Yo!**

**Sorry for the uber-long delay! Huge apology can be found at the butt of this chapter :3**

**Enjoy!**

* * *

_Last time in OTT..._

_**WHAM.**_

_The sound of a body hitting the floor brought the dazed schemer back to his senses; and what only could be described as pure and utter dread pooled deep within his gut when his eyes befell on what lay on the floor blocking the doorway to Roxas' room..._

* * *

Zexion blinked.

There, lying completely motionless in the midst of the open doorway was _Saix_.

Not what he had expected at _all_.

_'Oh **shit**.'_

Instead of the mangled remains of Axel's body (which, he had to admit would have been _far_ more pleasing to the eye), he found himself faced with a very comatose berserker - felled by a well-aimed keyblade to the back of the head no less.

"..."

"_Damn_ that felt good."

Zexion didn't know whether bestow a knighthood upon the Key of Destiny for slaying the 'unslayable'... or to backhand him into the next world for being so utterly reckless.

In the end, it was his temper that made the choice for him.

"_Roxas_!"

"What?"

"What? _What?!_ Look at him! _Look_ at him Roxas!"

The schemer leaped to his feet, physical pain long forgotten as he thrust a finger in the direction of the stationary Luna Diviner.

"You defiled a Superior! You broke one of Xemnas' golden rules! You! _You_ -!"

He paused in his frantic pacing to spare Roxas' pale face a passing glance, a devious grin dancing across his thin lips before he added:

"You _knocked_. _Saix_. _Out_."

Roxas gaped.

"I - I didn't mean -"

"Woah woah woah! He _what_?"

Apparently, Axel had registered that Saix was no longer following him with murderous intent... and had come to investigate as to why that was.

It went without saying that the prospect of his best friend taking down Saix was like music to his ears. _Proof_ of said proclamation (in the form of Saix sprawled out on the deck like a cheap throw rug) was even better.

"Roxas! _Alright_!"

"Shut up Axel -"

"- and Zexion? Gettin' in touch with your 'Axel' side huh?"

The schemer winced at the very thought of being likened to the Flurry of Dancing Flames.

"As a matter of fact,_ that_ -" he motioned to the fallen Saix, "- was solely the doing of XIII. I was -"

"Lying on the floor in the fetal position, screaming about the pain in your cro -"

"It doesn't matter where _I_ was." Zexion snapped, shutting Roxas up with a icy glare. "All that matters is what we're going to do with _him_."

Axel outright smirked.

"I like this subject of conversation. Think of the possibilities! Hey Roxas! You got one of those pens with permanent ink? I always wondered what Saix would look like with a moustache -"

Roxas barely got the chance to check his pockets before a persistent Zexion intervened.

"We are _not_, under any circumstances, indulging in pointless shenanigans involving permanent markers, skin or the removal of one's hair."

"Oh come _on_!"

"_No_ Axel."

"Killjoy."

"Hmph."

* * *

_5 Minutes of Pointless Bickering Later..._

"Imbecile."

"Dumbass."

Roxas had had enough. One more lame insult, and someone was going to get key'd.

"Would you both just _shut up_!"

Both Zexion and Axel silenced immediately, two pairs of widened eyes staring at the normally quiet boy in disbelief.

"Since when did you grow a backbone?"

"Since he started hanging out with me." Axel chuckled, slinging an arm over the blonde's shoulder. "Right man?"

"One of Xemnas' more foolish mistakes..." Zexion muttered.

The pyro frowned.

"What was that shorty?"

"Can we just stop arguing and figure out what we're going to do with Saix before he wakes up?" Roxas pleaded, keen to avoid further confrontation between numbers VI and VIII that would prolong Saix's presence within his room.

"Hmm."

Stroking his chin several times before deciding upon an ingenious course of action, Axel cautiously took a step towards Saix.

No movement.

Another step was taken, followed by another. A final hop, slip and a trip, and Axel was stood right next to Saix's body.

Still being extremely careful as far as swift movements were concerned, the Flurry of Dancing Flames slowly crouched down to get himself an eyefull of his conked out comrade.

"It's not looking good guys." he inspected, lifting a lock of blue hair with a grimace. "I say we rid ourselves of all evidence and throw him in a dumpster."

"_Axel._"

Ignoring Zexion's reprimand, the other man gave a low whistle as he gently pulled back Saix's upper lip - leaving the trio with a view of a perfect set of sharp, pearly white -

"Damn! Look at the size of those _teeth_."

"Is he dead?" Roxas inquired, his anxiety clear in his tone.

"No." Zexion answered, he himself having moved toward Saix's body to get a closer look. "He's just unconcious."

"You're sure he won't wake up?"

Zexion would have provided Roxas with the affirmative that he so wanted to hear, but Axel's loud mouth beat him to it.

"Nah. I don't think so. Wouldn't hurt to check though..."

To prove his point, Axel roughly prodded Saix in the back of the head - dangerously close to the area where Roxas' keyblade had hit home.

"Axel!"

"Axel! What the hell do you think you're -?!"

"Zexion. Stop being such a chicken shit. That keyblade's heavier than it looks. He's _not_ gona wake up. Heh, watch this..."

Before either Zexion or Roxas could stop him, the cocky pyro swatted the diviner over the back of the head with a loud _'thwack'_.

No movement... with the exception of Saix's head pivoting to the side from the force of Axel's swipe.

"See?"

"That is no excuse for your reckless behaviour." Zexion barked, clearly a little shaken by Axel's daredevilry, "Now make yourself useful and help me move him."

"To a dumpster?"

"_No_ Axel -"

"Then where _are_ we going to put him?" Roxas whined, slightly uncomfortable at the idea of having Saix awaken in _his_ room with a headache from hell.

"We'll take him to his room."

"_Boring_. I still say we throw him in a dumpster -"

"_Once_ he's in his room -" Zexion continued, ignoring Axel's comment, " - we'll put him in his bed. That way, he'll believe he suffered an injury to the head while out on a mission. If luck is on our side, he'll have mild concussion -"

"Yeah yeah yeah, and for the non-science nerds?"

Zexion sighed.

"For idiots like you _Axel_, Saix won't be able to remember a thing that that has happened to him... recently. Thus, we shall all be in the clear."

"Yeah? Well I'm still voting for the dumpster. Or a furness! We could -"

"Shut up Axel."

* * *

In the end, it had been decided upon that it would be prudent to transport Saix back to his own room... via the dorm hallway.

While Roxas scouted ahead for any potential nobody obstacles, Axel and Zexion were left carrying the berserker by his arms and legs towards his own quarters.

"This sucks. We should've used portals."

"... to a room merely six doors down? How lazy. Though I suppose it is to be expected of you Axel."

"You shut the hell up you fu -"

"In any case, members cannot portal into each other's rooms."

"So how do you plan on gettin' sleepin' beauty here into his room?"

"... we'll cross that bridge when we come to it."

"_If_ we come to it. He weighs a tonne. Got it memorized? My arms might've fallen off by then -"

Zexion almost dropped his half of Saix's body to the ground as Roxas shot around the corner of the hallway like he'd been shot out of one of Xigbar's guns.

"Guys! Xemnas is coming!"

Axel grinned, his emerald eyes shining like beacons as he, unlike Zexion, didn't think twice about dropping Saix's upper body to the ground.

"He is?! Great! Get him to come over here and give 'Sleeping Psycho' a big kiss. That'll wake him up. You know how the stories go. Then _we_ don't have to haul his ass the rest of the way."

Zexion's face contorted itself into a disgusted expression.

"Thankyou for your nauseating input Axel. Though I do believe if that ever occured, Saix would chew Xemnas' face off. "

"Then what's your idea _genius_?"

"We need to think things through logically. Just don't panic -"

"We could hide him somewhere?" Roxas offered, his eyes widening with every step Xemnas took towards their current position as he peeked around the corner.

"Oh yes! Of _course_!" Zexion yelled sarchastically, "Let's _hide_ him! Hiding places are in great abundance in a completely empty hallway within a castle filled with nothingness from top to bottom!"

"..."

"Well at least _he_ had an idea. Listen, Roxas. You gotta go stall him man."

"What?!"

"Keep him talking while we sneak through a dark corridor." Axel shrugged, grabbing a hold of Saix's arms.

"But what do I say?!"

"Just talk to him as if Kingdom Hearts shines out of his ass."

"Augh! No way!"

"Roxas, there's nothin' wrong with ass-kissing yourself out of a sticky situation. Saix here weedled his way up to second in command kissing ass -"

"I would disagree with you on that one Axel. Saix is second in command purely because he scares the living moogles out of everyone else." Zexion countered.

"Yeah yeah and Marluxia's Lord of Castle Oblivion..."

"... he is."

Axel snorted. "Exact - wait! He's _what_?! Since _when_?!"

"You really don't pay attention in meetings do you?"

"Does _anyone_?"

"Guys!" Roxas wailed, "He's coming!"

Huffing, Axel reached within his pocket to pull out a small piece of paper.

"Here. Ask him about this. It'll keep him talking."

"But -!"

Before Roxas could ask, Zexion, Axel and Saix had vanished into the depths of a corridor of darkness.

"..."

"Roxas? What are you doing out here?"

The deep, monotonal voice had heralded Xemnas' approach, and Roxas sheepishly rubbed the back of his head like the kid who'd been caught with his hand in the cookie jar.

"Uh... actually superior, I wanted to... to ask you something..."

A silver brow arched with curiosity.

"Oh?"

The boy's eyes ran over the words upon the piece of paper Axel had given him, and immediately a dark flush spread across his features.

Axel was going to _pay_ for this.

"I... um."

If possible, Xemnas' silver brow arched further.

"Yes?"

Swallowing his pride, Roxas blurted what had to be the most embarrassing question he had ever found himself having to ask in his entire life... to the worst possible person.

"Wheredobabiescomefrom?"

* * *

A few minutes and a series of grumbles and curses later, Zexion and Axel had both rather unceremoniously dumped Saix into his bed. Thankfully, due to some sort of sheer luck on their part, the door to room number VII was broken - left hanging on its hinges in the aftermath of Saix's previous rampage.

"_Damn_ he's heavy. You hear that Saix?" Axel growled, leaning down to yell in the diviner's pointed ear. "You're a FAT _ASS_."

"Axel, quiet down -"

"And look! He gets a queen-size bed! All I've got is a shoebox - !"

"You have a single like the rest of us Axel. Now stop moaning. You're giving me a headache."

"The _rest_ of us huh? So a queen-size must be a perk of being second in command. Xemnas gets a king-size... and we all get shoeboxes or sardine cans! I mean, I'm_ taller_ than Saix! If anyone needs a bigger bed, it's _me_!"

"If Lexaeus can cope with a single, surely you can."

"No I _can't_! Not now that I know _he's_ got a queen-size!"

"Axel -"

The Flurry of Dancing Flames huffed.

"Queen Saix. Royal pain in my ass..."

* * *

Where Axel was occupying himself with screaming all the insults he had ever uttered about the Luna Diviner to his face in the knowledge that he wouldn't be mauled on site, Zexion's wandering eyes had led him to Saix's bookshelf, along with his... interesting choice of literature.

**_'Advanced Lunar Activity'_**

**_'The Art of Divination'_**

**_'1001 Fun Ways to Dispose of Your Colleagues!'_**

**_'Get Away With Murder! Disposing of Your Intolerable Boss - Tried and Tested!'_**

Zexion blanched.

_'My God. What was Xemnas on when he hired him?!'_

The pair were so occupied in their own little affairs that they failed to notice a distraught Key of Destiny stumble in through the doorway, his face void of all expression and colour.

"Roxas! What took ya so long man? Hey, you look a little peaky..."

Zexion absently noticed that the boy's arms and legs were shaking... and that his eyes were watering.

"Roxas? Are you alright?"

"Xemnas."

Axel snickered.

"Yeah, Xemnas has that effect on people."

Roxas' hand balled itself into a fist.

"YOU TOLD ME TO ASK XEMNAS WHERE_ BABIES COME FROM?_!"

Zexion abruptly dropped the book in his hands.

"What?!"

The youngest male sobbed.

"The piece of paper Axel gave me! He told me to ask Xemnas what was written on that paper! Well guess what Axel?! It kept him talking alright!"

Axel blinked owlishly, scratching his head in confusion.

"Huh? Paper? Oh! Oh _shit_! I must've gave you the wrong one! That was meant for Demyx as a dare a couple o' weeks ago! He was meant to ask Vexen that one. Heh heh... yeah."

Roxas didn't seem to find the situation as funny as his best friend.

In an attempt to rid himself of mortifying memories of his conversation with Xemnas, he began thumping his head against Saix's bookcase.

"Roxas. Stop it. You could wake Saix."

_'Thump. Thump. Thump.'_

"Oh come on man. It can't have been that bad!"

The blonde merely _looked_ at them, his big doe-eyes brimming with tears in the dawn of the destruction of his mind's innocence.

"Oh yeah?"

Clearing his throat, Roxas gave Axel a taste of the horrors he had experienced only moments previous, in a perfect imitation of Xemnas' voice.

_"Babies are created during the process of of sexual intercourse, which, providing you take the time to do it properly, is usually an activity that follows foreplay -"_

The Key of Destiny visibly shuddered as memories of Xemnas' explanation of 'foreplay' hit him like a runaway train.

While Zexion had the courtesy to keep his expression completely blank, the rude Axel hollered so hard, he almost tumbled backwards onto the sleeping Saix.

"HAHAHAHAHA!"

"It's not funny Axel!"

A whimper escaped the boy's quivering lips, before once again, he began to beat his head against the diviner's library.

... and then the power of force broke loose.

The tremors caused by Roxas' self-harm shook the entire bookshelf... and one by one the books on the topmost shelf began to topple over.

"..."

It was like some sick game of dominoes. Only, at the end of such a game, the players usually weren't bludgeoned to death by their homicidal housemate for interrupting his slumber.

Not to mention they were in _his_ room - the nobody equivalent to the lions den.

"Roxas look out!"

In the nick of time, just as the mountain of books fell from their shelves, Zexion leaped forward to grab gawking the boy's hood, yanking him back to safety while Axel tactfully slammed his hands over Saix's ears to block out the noise.

"..."

There was a tense moment as the dust cleared, and all was quiet... save for Axel's convulsive sneezing.

"Achoo! Ach -! Ach -! Augh! Man! That was a close one. Heh, I don't think he heard anything -"

Roxas hissed through gritted teeth.

"I'd rather he did! Then I wouldn't have to live with images of Xemnas little talk on 'The Birds and the Bees' for the rest of my life! You should've let those books fall on me Zexion."

"You're too useful to the Organization. It's a shame they weren't closer to Axel actually. After all, this is all _his_ fault."

"Is not! I didn't knock all that shit down!"

"Is too and you know it."

"Yeah? Well you're a weasel."

"And you're _ginger_. Got it_ memorized_?"

His feathers ruffled, Axel slammed his fist on Saix's bedside table.

"_Right_! That _does it_! I'll -!"

"Can we just go now please?" Roxas moaned, still nursing his painful head.

"A capital idea Roxas." The schemer nodded. "We don't want to be spending more time here than we need to. _Axel_?"

The pyro wasn't done yet. Not by a long shot. He wasn't going to let that little creep Zexion shit on the dignity of his awesome hair _and_ his cool catchphrase in one go and let him get away with it.

"I'll go when you two admit that this wasn't my fault." he stated, stubbornly crossing his arms across his chest in a style parroting that of the Silent Hero.

Zexion sighed.

"It _was_ your fault Axel. You angered Saix into pursuing you. If you weren't hiding in Roxas' room in the first place or making foolish bets with numbers X and XI, none of this would've happened."

"..."

"He's right Axel." Roxas agreed. "Now can we go? _Please_? We can get Seasalt ice cream at the clock tower. My treat -"

"This is all _Saix's_ fault." Axel grumbled, turning his back on the slumbering diviner. "He's an ass-kissing, two-faced prick with schizophrenic issues, bad hair and dog breath -"

_**"WHAT?!"**_

"..."

With a swift exchange of fearful glances and an embarrassing shriek from Axel at the sound of Saix's voice, the trio of nobodies dove out the door, the pyro stumbling over the mountain of books in his haste to escape before Zexion.

Had they looked over their shoulders, they would have realised that Saix was in fact still asleep.

Had Axel peered at the book he had tripped over instead of cursing it into the basement of Castle Oblivion, he would've found himself in possession of a very significant piece of reading material:

**_'Combating Musophobia'_**

Had they not been in such a hurry to escape, they would have also noticed the tiny, furry white being scuttling into room VII as they left...

* * *

_Cookies to anyone who knows what 'Musophobia' is ;D_

_Believe it or not, this story actually has a plot to it (SAYWHAT?!), and over the next chapter (possibly two chapters) everything shall be revealed. _

_And no. For those with dirty minds, the Organization will not be starring in a strip show. Honestly. Go wash your little brains out with soap ;P_

_Anyone who reviews gets complimentary cookies baked by my muse... which happens to be Axel at this moment in time. So when I say baked... I mean burned XD They may not be all that tasty, but they make for great missiles! 8D_

_I'm terribly sorry for the delay with this chapter. It has been in the works for a long time, but I just hadn't the time nor the inspiration to finish it. My horse got really sick, times are hard... and I've been so busy myself that I've been running around like a headless chicken. Inspiration kinda shot down the drain for a while!_

_... until 358/2 Days reared its head X3_

_I **will** stick with this until it's finished. I do aim to have it done be Halloween, but I can't promise deadlines will be met, so bear with me guys! :3_

_As always, thankyou to everyone who reads this story! Much love to you all!_

_Until next time! :3_


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